1 00:03:13,491 --> 00:03:15,691 I have decided to keep a journal. 2 00:03:15,693 --> 00:03:17,993 Not in a word program or digital file, 3 00:03:17,995 --> 00:03:19,931 but in longhand, 4 00:03:20,833 --> 00:03:22,465 writing every word out 5 00:03:22,467 --> 00:03:24,468 so that every inflection of penmanship, 6 00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:25,868 every word chosen, 7 00:03:25,870 --> 00:03:28,573 scratched out, revised, is recorded. 8 00:03:29,140 --> 00:03:30,906 To set down all my thoughts 9 00:03:30,908 --> 00:03:32,975 and the simple events of my day factually 10 00:03:32,977 --> 00:03:34,680 and without hiding anything. 11 00:03:36,448 --> 00:03:39,352 When writing about oneself, one should show no mercy. 12 00:03:40,918 --> 00:03:45,054 I will keep this diary for one year, 12 months. 13 00:03:45,056 --> 00:03:48,424 And at the end of that time, it will be destroyed. 14 00:03:48,426 --> 00:03:51,964 Shredded, then burnt. The experiment will be over. 15 00:04:10,649 --> 00:04:11,950 Please rise. 16 00:04:17,022 --> 00:04:20,626 What is thy only comfort in life and death? 17 00:04:20,992 --> 00:04:22,559 That I with body and soul, 18 00:04:22,561 --> 00:04:24,593 both in life and death, 19 00:04:24,595 --> 00:04:26,129 am not my own, 20 00:04:26,131 --> 00:04:28,900 but belong unto my faithful Savior Jesus Christ, 21 00:04:29,867 --> 00:04:31,867 who with his precious blood... 22 00:04:31,869 --> 00:04:33,035 These thoughts and recollections 23 00:04:33,037 --> 00:04:34,737 are not so different 24 00:04:34,739 --> 00:04:36,508 from those I confide to God every morning. 25 00:04:38,143 --> 00:04:41,414 When it is possible. When he is listening. 26 00:04:46,585 --> 00:04:49,489 Bread of life. The cup of salvation. 27 00:04:55,227 --> 00:04:57,597 Bread of life. The cup of salvation. 28 00:05:00,866 --> 00:05:03,033 Bread of life. The cup of salvation. 29 00:05:03,035 --> 00:05:06,169 This journal is a form of speaking, 30 00:05:06,171 --> 00:05:09,509 of communication from one to the other. 31 00:05:10,174 --> 00:05:13,109 A communication which can be achieved simply 32 00:05:13,111 --> 00:05:16,616 and in repose without prostration or abnegation. 33 00:05:18,616 --> 00:05:19,919 It is a form of prayer. 34 00:05:20,886 --> 00:05:23,890 Bread of life. The cup of salvation. 35 00:05:33,799 --> 00:05:36,232 There, uh, is a leak in the men's restroom. 36 00:05:36,234 --> 00:05:37,867 No, I fixed it. 37 00:05:37,869 --> 00:05:39,735 No. I was just there. It's still leaking. 38 00:05:39,737 --> 00:05:41,838 Same place. Under the hot faucet. 39 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,540 What about the women's room? 40 00:05:43,542 --> 00:05:45,242 The women's is fine. Uh, do you want me to call 41 00:05:45,244 --> 00:05:46,742 the plumber from Abundant Life? 42 00:05:46,744 --> 00:05:48,244 No, I'll have another crack at it. 43 00:05:48,246 --> 00:05:50,513 I hate always bugging them for extra little costs. 44 00:05:50,515 --> 00:05:52,081 They don't mind. That's what they're there for. 45 00:05:52,083 --> 00:05:53,549 And you're totally within your budget. 46 00:05:53,551 --> 00:05:54,787 Still, I don't want to. 47 00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:57,557 Have you posted the sermon? 48 00:05:58,756 --> 00:05:59,991 Yes. I did it this morning. 49 00:06:01,260 --> 00:06:02,691 - Oh, hi... - Reverend? 50 00:06:02,693 --> 00:06:04,528 Yes, uh... Mary, right? 51 00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:06,732 - Mary Mansana. - Yeah. Nice to see you again. 52 00:06:07,099 --> 00:06:09,068 I wanted to talk, if that's okay. 53 00:06:10,099 --> 00:06:10,600 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on in, Mary. 54 00:06:10,602 --> 00:06:11,968 I'll be right back. 55 00:06:11,970 --> 00:06:13,302 Mary, how can I help you? 56 00:06:13,304 --> 00:06:14,771 Um, I was wondering if you would talk 57 00:06:14,773 --> 00:06:16,306 - to my husband, Michael. - Oh, sure. I... 58 00:06:16,308 --> 00:06:17,607 Actually, not now. He has to... 59 00:06:17,609 --> 00:06:18,807 He has to go to work. 60 00:06:18,809 --> 00:06:20,011 He has to fill in at Home Depot. 61 00:06:22,614 --> 00:06:25,785 Mary? What is it? 62 00:06:26,184 --> 00:06:27,850 I'm worried about him. 63 00:06:27,852 --> 00:06:29,785 He's involved in the Green Planet movement. 64 00:06:29,787 --> 00:06:31,554 - It's an activist group. - Mmm-hmm. 65 00:06:31,556 --> 00:06:33,889 And he was in jail in Canada. 66 00:06:33,891 --> 00:06:35,759 And he just got out two weeks ago. 67 00:06:35,761 --> 00:06:37,193 He just sits around at home. 68 00:06:37,195 --> 00:06:38,795 He doesn't... He doesn't go out. 69 00:06:38,797 --> 00:06:40,597 I got him to fill out a temp form 70 00:06:40,599 --> 00:06:42,165 for Home... For Home Depot. 71 00:06:42,167 --> 00:06:44,100 - Okay. - Um, so that's good. 72 00:06:44,102 --> 00:06:45,968 Are you sure you don't want to go to Abundant Life? 73 00:06:45,970 --> 00:06:47,703 They have a whole team of counselors over there, 74 00:06:47,705 --> 00:06:48,838 who are trained and... 75 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:50,273 I know, but he doesn't want to. 76 00:06:50,275 --> 00:06:52,107 He thinks it's more of a company than a church. 77 00:06:52,109 --> 00:06:54,045 And so, he said he would talk to you. 78 00:06:56,181 --> 00:06:58,885 Uh, all right. Tomorrow? 79 00:07:00,085 --> 00:07:01,785 - After lunch? - Great. Great. 80 00:07:01,787 --> 00:07:04,220 I'll just need the, uh... I just need an address. 81 00:07:04,222 --> 00:07:05,591 And, uh, can you tell me a little more? 82 00:07:06,792 --> 00:07:08,792 Oh, he applied for Compassionate Release 83 00:07:08,794 --> 00:07:10,292 when he found out. 84 00:07:10,294 --> 00:07:12,028 He was at Fort Providence. They let him out early. 85 00:07:12,030 --> 00:07:13,797 Wait, now. Um, found out what? 86 00:07:13,799 --> 00:07:14,900 That I... I was pregnant. 87 00:07:15,299 --> 00:07:18,103 Oh. Hmm. Congratulations. 88 00:07:18,703 --> 00:07:20,239 Thanks. 89 00:07:21,205 --> 00:07:24,876 He... He thinks it's wrong to bring a child into this world. 90 00:07:28,046 --> 00:07:30,583 He wants to kill our baby. 91 00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:36,987 I assisted Sunday 92 00:07:36,989 --> 00:07:38,821 the youth group at Abundant Life. 93 00:07:38,823 --> 00:07:41,790 The young people were so excited, so full of life. 94 00:07:41,792 --> 00:07:43,962 They were open. They welcomed communion. 95 00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:50,636 Maybe I shouldn't care about whether people like me. 96 00:07:52,337 --> 00:07:54,707 Did Jesus worry about being liked? 97 00:07:58,710 --> 00:08:01,280 I look at the last lines I wrote with disdain. 98 00:08:04,782 --> 00:08:06,285 Twelve months. 99 00:08:06,984 --> 00:08:09,187 Can I keep up an exercise that long? 100 00:08:23,367 --> 00:08:26,304 When I read these words, I see not truth, but pride. 101 00:08:32,411 --> 00:08:34,780 I wish I had not used the word pride. 102 00:08:35,413 --> 00:08:38,016 But I cannot cross it out. 103 00:08:42,354 --> 00:08:44,223 If only I could pray. 104 00:09:40,878 --> 00:09:42,277 Hi, Reverend. 105 00:09:42,279 --> 00:09:45,448 - Hi. Is Michael home? - Yeah. Come on in. 106 00:09:45,450 --> 00:09:46,852 Okay. Yeah. 107 00:09:50,855 --> 00:09:53,124 - Hey. Good to see you. - Nice to see you. 108 00:09:53,457 --> 00:09:55,160 Um, would you like some coffee? 109 00:09:56,128 --> 00:09:57,526 Yes. But, um... 110 00:09:57,528 --> 00:09:59,194 We're... I... I think we have some tea. 111 00:09:59,196 --> 00:10:00,262 Yes. That would be better. 112 00:10:00,264 --> 00:10:01,433 - Okay. - Thanks. 113 00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:05,470 Let me take your coat? 114 00:10:05,970 --> 00:10:07,840 Um, no, it's okay. I got it. 115 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:10,309 Come on in. 116 00:10:15,446 --> 00:10:16,880 Yeah. I don't know why Mary... 117 00:10:16,882 --> 00:10:18,781 There's no need to apologize. 118 00:10:18,783 --> 00:10:21,419 No, uh... She told me that you've been up in Canada. 119 00:10:22,454 --> 00:10:25,391 Uh, yeah. Uh, Fort Providence. 120 00:10:26,557 --> 00:10:28,257 It's, uh, in the Mackenzie Delta. 121 00:10:28,259 --> 00:10:29,958 It's way in the north. 122 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,461 Yeah. Beautiful country, I imagine. 123 00:10:31,463 --> 00:10:33,099 Yeah, it is. 124 00:10:36,868 --> 00:10:38,871 Mary said things have been getting you down? 125 00:10:41,273 --> 00:10:43,573 Uh, yeah, things. 126 00:10:43,575 --> 00:10:45,244 Yeah, you could say that. Yeah. 127 00:10:46,411 --> 00:10:48,013 Oh! Thank you very much. 128 00:10:48,547 --> 00:10:49,981 - It's hot. - Perfect. 129 00:10:50,581 --> 00:10:51,917 Thank you. 130 00:11:01,426 --> 00:11:03,329 - Well, Mary is pregnant. - Hmm. 131 00:11:04,196 --> 00:11:06,496 Yeah. How far along is she? 132 00:11:06,498 --> 00:11:07,967 Uh, 20 weeks. 133 00:11:08,233 --> 00:11:10,301 - Congratulations. - Thanks. 134 00:11:18,243 --> 00:11:21,180 Hey, how old are you, Reverend? 135 00:11:23,348 --> 00:11:24,917 I'm 46. 136 00:11:28,186 --> 00:11:29,821 Uh, 33. 137 00:11:31,322 --> 00:11:34,556 That's... That's how old our child will be in 2050. 138 00:11:34,558 --> 00:11:37,227 - Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Yeah. - You know, that's... 139 00:11:37,229 --> 00:11:39,127 That's two years older than I am right now. 140 00:11:39,129 --> 00:11:40,231 Mmm-hmm. 141 00:11:41,465 --> 00:11:44,537 - You'll be 81. - Yeah. 142 00:11:45,003 --> 00:11:48,972 Hey, you know what the world will be like in 2050? 143 00:11:48,974 --> 00:11:51,006 Hmm. Hard to imagine. 144 00:11:51,008 --> 00:11:52,878 Yeah, you think? 145 00:11:53,411 --> 00:11:55,511 I mean, Reverend... 146 00:11:55,513 --> 00:11:59,350 Uh, the world is changing so fast. 147 00:12:00,252 --> 00:12:01,950 And right in front of us. 148 00:12:01,952 --> 00:12:04,286 I mean, one third of the natural world 149 00:12:04,288 --> 00:12:06,225 has been destroyed in your lifetime. 150 00:12:07,325 --> 00:12:08,924 You know, the earth's temperature 151 00:12:08,926 --> 00:12:10,995 will be three degrees centigrade higher. 152 00:12:12,029 --> 00:12:13,832 Four is the threshold. 153 00:12:14,532 --> 00:12:18,901 You know? "Severe, widespread, and irreversible impacts." 154 00:12:18,903 --> 00:12:22,505 And when scientists say stuff like that, you know? 155 00:12:22,507 --> 00:12:25,444 And National Center for Atmospheric Research, 156 00:12:27,311 --> 00:12:28,611 Lawrence Livermore, 157 00:12:28,613 --> 00:12:30,579 the Potsdam Institute. Uh, Reverend... 158 00:12:30,581 --> 00:12:33,282 He went on like that for some time. 159 00:12:33,284 --> 00:12:36,920 By 2050, sea levels two feet higher on the East Coast. 160 00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:39,988 Low lying areas underwater across the world. 161 00:12:39,990 --> 00:12:42,492 Bangladesh, 20% loss of landmass. 162 00:12:42,494 --> 00:12:45,929 Central Africa, 50% reduction in crops due to drought. 163 00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:47,664 The Western reservoirs dried up. 164 00:12:47,666 --> 00:12:51,266 Climate change refugees. Epidemics. Extreme weather. 165 00:12:51,268 --> 00:12:52,937 You know, the... 166 00:12:54,104 --> 00:12:56,072 The bad times, they will begin. 167 00:12:56,074 --> 00:12:58,210 And from that point, everything moves very quickly. 168 00:13:00,045 --> 00:13:01,544 You know, this social structure 169 00:13:01,546 --> 00:13:04,350 can't bear the stress of multiple crises. 170 00:13:05,683 --> 00:13:07,382 Opportunistic diseases, 171 00:13:07,384 --> 00:13:09,484 anarchy, martial law, the tipping point. 172 00:13:09,486 --> 00:13:11,587 And this isn't in some, like, distant future. 173 00:13:11,589 --> 00:13:13,559 You will live to see this. 174 00:13:14,058 --> 00:13:18,126 You know, my children will experience this unliveability. 175 00:13:18,128 --> 00:13:19,498 This, uh... 176 00:13:20,065 --> 00:13:22,732 Damn. I'm sorry. I just... You know, I... 177 00:13:22,734 --> 00:13:25,001 I thought things could change, you know? 178 00:13:25,003 --> 00:13:27,205 I thought... I thought people would listen. 179 00:13:27,404 --> 00:13:29,908 Do you have thoughts of harming yourself? 180 00:13:31,308 --> 00:13:32,944 No. 181 00:13:33,478 --> 00:13:35,645 Why? Did... Did Mary say something like that? 182 00:13:35,647 --> 00:13:37,280 No. No. 183 00:13:37,282 --> 00:13:40,016 No, I'm not worried for myself. I just... 184 00:13:40,018 --> 00:13:43,553 This world is gonna be what it is. 185 00:13:43,555 --> 00:13:46,088 Um... But can I ask you a question, Reverend? 186 00:13:46,090 --> 00:13:47,225 Mmm-hmm. 187 00:13:48,593 --> 00:13:52,127 How do you sanction bringing in a little girl, 188 00:13:52,129 --> 00:13:56,165 uh, for argument's sake, let's just say that, uh, 189 00:13:56,167 --> 00:13:59,238 Mary and I's, uh, child, it's a little girl. 190 00:14:04,508 --> 00:14:06,946 You know, a child that's so full of hope 191 00:14:08,513 --> 00:14:10,612 and naive beliefs, 192 00:14:10,614 --> 00:14:13,652 into a world where that little girl, uh... 193 00:14:15,286 --> 00:14:17,453 She grows up to be a young woman 194 00:14:17,455 --> 00:14:19,354 and she looks you in the eyes 195 00:14:19,356 --> 00:14:22,226 and she says that you knew this all along, didn't you? 196 00:14:26,797 --> 00:14:28,700 You see, that... 197 00:14:30,134 --> 00:14:32,705 I mean, what? What are you supposed to say then? 198 00:14:36,106 --> 00:14:38,507 There's something growing inside Mary. 199 00:14:38,509 --> 00:14:43,349 Something as alive as a tree, surely. 200 00:14:43,580 --> 00:14:46,018 As an endangered species. 201 00:14:46,651 --> 00:14:51,190 Something full of the beauty and mystery of nature. 202 00:14:53,425 --> 00:14:55,494 You said sanction? 203 00:14:57,729 --> 00:15:00,295 You think Mary should have an abortion? 204 00:15:00,297 --> 00:15:01,697 This birth, is that your right? 205 00:15:01,699 --> 00:15:03,299 Is that your decision? 206 00:15:03,301 --> 00:15:05,436 Have you asked Mary what she thinks? 207 00:15:11,209 --> 00:15:13,476 Look, this... This isn't... 208 00:15:13,478 --> 00:15:15,247 It's not about your baby. 209 00:15:16,181 --> 00:15:17,549 It's not about Mary. 210 00:15:19,450 --> 00:15:22,651 It's about you and your despair. 211 00:15:22,653 --> 00:15:24,222 Your lack of hope. 212 00:15:25,523 --> 00:15:28,357 Look, people have, throughout history, 213 00:15:28,359 --> 00:15:30,492 have woken up in the dead of the night, 214 00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:32,694 confronted by blackness. 215 00:15:32,696 --> 00:15:35,267 The sense that our lives are without meaning. 216 00:15:36,401 --> 00:15:37,766 The Sickness Unto Death. 217 00:15:37,768 --> 00:15:39,635 Yeah, but this is something different. 218 00:15:39,637 --> 00:15:41,636 Yeah, no. Man's great achievements 219 00:15:41,638 --> 00:15:45,373 have brought him to the place where life as we know it 220 00:15:45,375 --> 00:15:47,209 may cease in the foreseeable future. 221 00:15:47,211 --> 00:15:48,614 Yes, that's new. 222 00:15:49,513 --> 00:15:50,715 But the blackness 223 00:15:52,783 --> 00:15:54,483 that's not. 224 00:15:54,485 --> 00:15:56,551 We are scientific people. We want to solve things. 225 00:15:56,553 --> 00:15:58,453 We want rational answers. 226 00:15:58,455 --> 00:16:00,189 Right? And if... 227 00:16:00,191 --> 00:16:04,459 If humankind can't overcome its immediate interests 228 00:16:04,461 --> 00:16:06,429 enough to ensure its own survival, then you're right. 229 00:16:06,431 --> 00:16:09,334 The only rational response is despair. 230 00:16:10,301 --> 00:16:11,833 But do you think that, that... 231 00:16:11,835 --> 00:16:15,137 That there's any existence apart from this? 232 00:16:15,139 --> 00:16:16,372 This here, right now? 233 00:16:16,374 --> 00:16:17,506 - Uh, yes. - Yeah, right. 234 00:16:17,508 --> 00:16:19,275 - Before us. After us. - Yeah. 235 00:16:19,277 --> 00:16:20,675 - Yeah. - Yeah. Wait a second. 236 00:16:20,677 --> 00:16:22,878 You're talking about the next lifetime? Huh? 237 00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:24,479 You really... You just, uh... 238 00:16:24,481 --> 00:16:26,214 I felt like I was Jacob 239 00:16:26,216 --> 00:16:28,184 wrestling all night long with the angel. 240 00:16:28,186 --> 00:16:29,588 Fighting in the grasp. 241 00:16:30,488 --> 00:16:32,255 Every sentence, every question, 242 00:16:32,257 --> 00:16:35,257 every response a mortal struggle. 243 00:16:35,259 --> 00:16:37,193 It was exhilarating. 244 00:16:37,195 --> 00:16:39,295 You believe in martyrdom, Reverend? 245 00:16:39,297 --> 00:16:40,630 I'm not sure I know what you mean. 246 00:16:40,632 --> 00:16:42,464 You know, the Saints of God, 247 00:16:42,466 --> 00:16:45,934 the early Christians who wouldn't renounce their faith? 248 00:16:45,936 --> 00:16:47,636 The missionaries who were attacked 249 00:16:47,638 --> 00:16:49,237 in the fields of the Lord. 250 00:16:49,239 --> 00:16:50,640 Do you believe that they died for a purpose? 251 00:16:50,642 --> 00:16:52,507 - I do. - Well, every week, 252 00:16:52,509 --> 00:16:56,215 activists are killed trying to protect the environment. 253 00:16:57,749 --> 00:17:00,248 A hundred-and-seventeen were killed last year 254 00:17:00,250 --> 00:17:01,252 for their beliefs. 255 00:17:03,354 --> 00:17:04,720 All right, right there. 256 00:17:04,722 --> 00:17:07,626 Uh, this is José Claudio Ribeiro da Silva. 257 00:17:08,458 --> 00:17:11,562 Huh? And that's his wife, Maria. 258 00:17:13,430 --> 00:17:16,232 They were gunned down 259 00:17:16,234 --> 00:17:19,338 in 2011 in the Amazon. 260 00:17:20,571 --> 00:17:22,437 You know, they were protesting 261 00:17:22,439 --> 00:17:23,973 free cutting of the rain forest 262 00:17:25,542 --> 00:17:29,377 Hey, uh... This is Dorothy Stang, 2005. 263 00:17:29,379 --> 00:17:32,350 She was, um, a nun from Ohio. 264 00:17:34,586 --> 00:17:37,156 And what, what was the purpose of their deaths? 265 00:17:44,395 --> 00:17:45,595 You know, in, uh... 266 00:17:45,597 --> 00:17:48,364 In 2010, the IPCC predicted 267 00:17:48,366 --> 00:17:51,637 that if drastic action wasn't taken by 2015, 268 00:17:52,704 --> 00:17:55,541 environmental collapse would be irreversible. 269 00:17:57,375 --> 00:17:58,810 And nothing was done. 270 00:18:01,646 --> 00:18:03,682 And now it's 2017. 271 00:18:04,782 --> 00:18:06,014 You said you respected me. 272 00:18:06,016 --> 00:18:07,852 What I... What I've been through. 273 00:18:09,553 --> 00:18:10,555 Yes. 274 00:18:10,888 --> 00:18:13,324 So, you know my story. 275 00:18:15,426 --> 00:18:17,559 - Yeah, you were a chaplain. - Uh-huh. 276 00:18:17,561 --> 00:18:20,363 My father taught at VMI. 277 00:18:20,365 --> 00:18:21,763 I encouraged my son to enlist. 278 00:18:21,765 --> 00:18:23,366 It was the family tradition. 279 00:18:23,368 --> 00:18:26,938 Uh, like his father, my father before me. 280 00:18:28,606 --> 00:18:30,542 A patriotic tradition. 281 00:18:33,811 --> 00:18:37,381 My wife, uh, was very opposed. 282 00:18:37,982 --> 00:18:40,915 My son enlisted anyway. And, uh... 283 00:18:40,917 --> 00:18:43,888 Six months later he was dead in Iraq. Right? 284 00:18:45,423 --> 00:18:48,023 I talked my son into a war 285 00:18:48,025 --> 00:18:49,961 that had no moral justification. 286 00:18:52,463 --> 00:18:54,896 My wife could no longer live with me. 287 00:18:54,898 --> 00:18:56,435 I left the military. 288 00:18:57,901 --> 00:18:59,337 I was lost. 289 00:19:01,839 --> 00:19:05,607 And Reverend Jeffers from Abundant Life, 290 00:19:05,609 --> 00:19:06,809 he gave me this position 291 00:19:06,811 --> 00:19:08,411 at First Reformed and here I am. 292 00:19:08,413 --> 00:19:11,316 Now Michael, I can promise you 293 00:19:11,849 --> 00:19:14,817 that whatever despair you feel 294 00:19:14,819 --> 00:19:17,653 about bringing a child into this world 295 00:19:17,655 --> 00:19:22,027 cannot equal the despair of taking a child from it. 296 00:19:34,438 --> 00:19:38,276 Hey, what... What was his, his name? Your son? 297 00:19:40,878 --> 00:19:42,281 Joseph. 298 00:19:43,613 --> 00:19:45,013 The boy thrown down the well. 299 00:19:45,015 --> 00:19:46,816 - Yeah. I remember. - Mmm-hmm. 300 00:19:46,818 --> 00:19:48,017 The dreamer. 301 00:19:48,019 --> 00:19:49,617 The dreamer, yeah. Yeah. 302 00:19:54,524 --> 00:19:56,959 And you were able to just go on? 303 00:19:56,961 --> 00:20:01,463 Courage is the solution to despair. 304 00:20:01,465 --> 00:20:05,503 Reason provides no answers. 305 00:20:07,138 --> 00:20:09,437 I can't know what the future will bring. 306 00:20:09,439 --> 00:20:12,543 We have to choose despite uncertainty. 307 00:20:13,144 --> 00:20:17,812 Wisdom is holding two contradictory truths 308 00:20:17,814 --> 00:20:20,982 in our mind, simultaneously. 309 00:20:20,984 --> 00:20:23,018 Hope and despair. 310 00:20:23,020 --> 00:20:25,453 A life without despair is a life without hope. 311 00:20:25,455 --> 00:20:29,061 Holding these two ideas in our head is life itself. 312 00:20:44,442 --> 00:20:45,977 Are you a drinking man, Reverend? 313 00:20:47,110 --> 00:20:48,778 It doesn't help. 314 00:20:48,780 --> 00:20:50,415 No, I suppose not. 315 00:20:57,754 --> 00:20:59,491 Can God forgive us? 316 00:21:04,061 --> 00:21:06,130 For what we've, uh, done to this world? 317 00:21:08,032 --> 00:21:09,368 I don't know. 318 00:21:11,869 --> 00:21:13,972 Who can know the mind of God? 319 00:21:15,907 --> 00:21:17,676 But we can choose 320 00:21:19,709 --> 00:21:21,045 a righteous life. 321 00:21:21,913 --> 00:21:23,014 Belief... 322 00:21:23,981 --> 00:21:25,650 Forgiveness... 323 00:21:27,484 --> 00:21:30,455 Grace covers us all. 324 00:21:32,689 --> 00:21:34,058 I believe that. 325 00:21:42,733 --> 00:21:44,799 Let's... Let's meet again. 326 00:21:44,801 --> 00:21:46,135 Want to? 327 00:21:46,137 --> 00:21:48,639 Tomorrow after lunch, same time. 328 00:21:49,506 --> 00:21:51,609 Okay yeah. It's a... It's a plan. 329 00:21:54,911 --> 00:21:56,912 I went over everything that was said, 330 00:21:56,914 --> 00:21:58,614 what should have been said, 331 00:21:58,616 --> 00:22:00,014 what could have been said differently, 332 00:22:00,016 --> 00:22:01,786 what could have been said better. 333 00:22:03,620 --> 00:22:05,488 "I know that nothing can change 334 00:22:05,490 --> 00:22:07,459 "and I know there is no hope." 335 00:22:08,693 --> 00:22:10,628 Thomas Merton wrote this. 336 00:22:12,996 --> 00:22:16,065 Despair is a development of pride so great 337 00:22:16,067 --> 00:22:18,166 that it chooses one's certitude 338 00:22:18,168 --> 00:22:22,006 rather than admit God is more creative than we are. 339 00:22:23,139 --> 00:22:25,609 Perhaps it's better I didn't say that to him. 340 00:23:03,781 --> 00:23:05,750 Who am I to talk about pride? 341 00:23:25,802 --> 00:23:30,306 Well, to begin, the church was constructed in 1767 342 00:23:30,308 --> 00:23:32,774 in a style we now call Dutch Colonial. 343 00:23:32,776 --> 00:23:35,109 It was made by settlers... Follow me. 344 00:23:35,111 --> 00:23:36,912 Using local timber. 345 00:23:36,914 --> 00:23:40,081 First Reformed took seven years to build. 346 00:23:40,083 --> 00:23:41,849 The Vei Plancks. 347 00:23:41,851 --> 00:23:44,986 Uh, Effie here, her tombstone dates back to 1787. 348 00:23:44,988 --> 00:23:46,688 The church was partially rebuilt 349 00:23:46,690 --> 00:23:49,724 in 1837 following a fire. 350 00:23:49,726 --> 00:23:53,127 This section remains preserved. 351 00:23:53,129 --> 00:23:56,764 If you look closely behind the Continental Army Flag, 352 00:23:56,766 --> 00:23:59,134 you'll find two bullet holes 353 00:23:59,136 --> 00:24:02,874 from shots fired during the Skirmish of Snowbridge. 354 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:05,307 In two months we're celebrating 355 00:24:05,309 --> 00:24:08,210 our 250th anniversary. 356 00:24:08,212 --> 00:24:11,146 Here is an example of some of the church's chinaware 357 00:24:11,148 --> 00:24:12,815 brought over from the Netherlands. 358 00:24:12,817 --> 00:24:15,384 And the first chalice. It's beautiful. 359 00:24:15,386 --> 00:24:17,319 And here, this is the original key 360 00:24:17,321 --> 00:24:19,154 from the front door before the fire. 361 00:24:19,156 --> 00:24:20,623 Yeah. 362 00:24:20,625 --> 00:24:22,257 And in that cabinet we have, um, 363 00:24:22,259 --> 00:24:24,158 souvenirs that are for sale. 364 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:28,998 We have mugs, caps, postcards, key chains, pens, t-shirts. 365 00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:30,232 What size are these? 366 00:24:30,234 --> 00:24:31,634 Unfortunately, they are all small. 367 00:24:31,636 --> 00:24:32,901 I have some more on order, 368 00:24:32,903 --> 00:24:34,168 but I'm waiting for them to come in. 369 00:24:34,170 --> 00:24:35,773 The caps are great, though. 370 00:24:36,674 --> 00:24:38,773 It's a one size fits all. 371 00:24:40,311 --> 00:24:44,413 The pulpit was donated in 1879 by William Mercer. 372 00:24:44,415 --> 00:24:46,949 And the church organ, 373 00:24:46,951 --> 00:24:50,653 which unfortunately isn't working at this time, 374 00:24:50,655 --> 00:24:53,858 uh, was manufactured in England by A.G. Hill. 375 00:24:54,824 --> 00:24:56,157 Did you hear the one about 376 00:24:56,159 --> 00:24:57,728 the Choir Mistress and the Minister? 377 00:24:58,829 --> 00:25:00,029 No. 378 00:25:00,031 --> 00:25:01,195 She chased him around the church 379 00:25:01,197 --> 00:25:02,967 and caught him by the organ. 380 00:25:04,334 --> 00:25:07,301 Oh. No, I, uh... 381 00:25:07,303 --> 00:25:08,936 I hadn't heard that one. 382 00:25:08,938 --> 00:25:10,808 All right. Come on. Follow me. 383 00:25:11,442 --> 00:25:14,276 All right. Thank you all very much. 384 00:25:14,278 --> 00:25:15,743 - Be well. - Thank you. 385 00:25:15,745 --> 00:25:16,947 Yeah. Thanks a lot. 386 00:25:20,951 --> 00:25:22,187 Drive safe. 387 00:25:25,089 --> 00:25:26,224 Thanks. 388 00:27:00,317 --> 00:27:01,920 Okay, take five. 389 00:27:05,955 --> 00:27:07,321 Penny for your thoughts? 390 00:27:07,323 --> 00:27:10,893 Oh. Joel wanted to talk to me. 391 00:27:10,895 --> 00:27:13,298 - Nothing serious, I hope. - Oh, I assume not. 392 00:27:14,497 --> 00:27:16,033 You want to have lunch? 393 00:27:16,833 --> 00:27:19,201 Well, I have something after, but uh, yeah. 394 00:27:19,203 --> 00:27:20,739 I could sit with you for a second. 395 00:27:23,907 --> 00:27:25,109 Oh, remember that? 396 00:27:25,542 --> 00:27:26,744 What? 397 00:27:27,311 --> 00:27:29,280 When everything was ahead of you. 398 00:27:30,481 --> 00:27:34,449 Yeah. But try telling them that. 399 00:27:34,451 --> 00:27:35,754 See you then. 400 00:27:57,140 --> 00:27:58,272 Hello. 401 00:27:58,274 --> 00:27:59,473 - Reverend Toller. - Yes. 402 00:27:59,475 --> 00:28:00,908 - Oh. Go right in. - Okay. 403 00:28:00,910 --> 00:28:02,045 He's expecting you. 404 00:28:09,052 --> 00:28:12,456 Um, this is... That's my wife's stuff. So. 405 00:28:13,290 --> 00:28:16,094 Go ahead and deal with it. 406 00:28:17,061 --> 00:28:18,594 Oh, good! Reverend Toller. 407 00:28:18,596 --> 00:28:19,998 Come on in. 408 00:28:20,630 --> 00:28:22,231 Roger, make sure you get back to me 409 00:28:22,233 --> 00:28:23,432 as soon as you can on that. 410 00:28:23,434 --> 00:28:25,166 Hey Reverend. 411 00:28:25,168 --> 00:28:26,370 Good seeing you. Why don't you have a seat there? 412 00:28:27,437 --> 00:28:29,437 Roger, okay to leave that door open. 413 00:28:29,439 --> 00:28:30,606 Can I get you a water or anything? 414 00:28:30,608 --> 00:28:32,340 Oh, no. I'm good. I'm good. 415 00:28:32,342 --> 00:28:35,143 So, how are things over at First Reformed? 416 00:28:35,145 --> 00:28:36,578 Oh, busy. You know how it is. 417 00:28:36,580 --> 00:28:38,413 You do one thing to the other, 418 00:28:38,415 --> 00:28:40,182 next thing you know it's Sunday again. 419 00:28:40,184 --> 00:28:42,017 Yeah, tell me about it. 420 00:28:42,019 --> 00:28:43,551 Well, I brought you in, I wanted to ask you 421 00:28:43,553 --> 00:28:46,120 about the 250th Reconsecration. 422 00:28:46,122 --> 00:28:48,022 Now, that's just around the corner. 423 00:28:48,024 --> 00:28:50,392 Yeah, of course. It's only eight weeks away. 424 00:28:50,394 --> 00:28:52,063 And how's the planning going on that? 425 00:28:52,596 --> 00:28:55,163 Well, your office is handling the invitations 426 00:28:55,165 --> 00:28:56,632 and I'm a little worried about seating. 427 00:28:56,634 --> 00:28:58,232 I mean, because we have your staff. 428 00:28:58,234 --> 00:28:59,600 We have the Elders. We have the Deacons. 429 00:28:59,602 --> 00:29:01,435 We have the Governor, his people. 430 00:29:01,437 --> 00:29:02,971 The Mayor, his people. 431 00:29:02,973 --> 00:29:04,405 We don't have any room for spillover. 432 00:29:04,407 --> 00:29:06,308 You know, it's the Sanctuary and that's it. 433 00:29:06,310 --> 00:29:08,076 You know what? I think we'll simulcast 434 00:29:08,078 --> 00:29:10,111 the ceremony here, in the main room. 435 00:29:10,113 --> 00:29:11,546 - All right. - So that's 5,000 seats. 436 00:29:11,548 --> 00:29:13,014 Yeah, okay. Well then... 437 00:29:13,016 --> 00:29:15,549 We can do the reception in the rotunda. 438 00:29:15,551 --> 00:29:18,153 The, um... The organ at First Reformed. 439 00:29:18,155 --> 00:29:20,588 - Is that fixed? - Oh right, yeah. No, it's not. 440 00:29:20,590 --> 00:29:23,424 We're waiting on some pieces. 441 00:29:23,426 --> 00:29:25,359 I don't... It was... It's just more complicated 442 00:29:25,361 --> 00:29:26,694 than we thought at first. 443 00:29:26,696 --> 00:29:28,530 Well, we can't have a reconsecration 444 00:29:28,532 --> 00:29:30,031 without an organ. 445 00:29:31,668 --> 00:29:34,001 "A Mighty Fortress is Our God." 446 00:29:34,003 --> 00:29:35,671 That's all organ. 447 00:29:35,673 --> 00:29:37,271 Did you know that, uh, 448 00:29:37,273 --> 00:29:39,206 Martin Luther wrote that in an outhouse? 449 00:29:39,208 --> 00:29:40,675 Oh. Yeah. 450 00:29:40,677 --> 00:29:45,414 "A Mighty Fortress..." 451 00:29:46,684 --> 00:29:48,649 I think every seminarian knows that one. 452 00:29:48,651 --> 00:29:51,953 Oh, man, I cannot get that image out of my mind. 453 00:29:51,955 --> 00:29:55,089 I mean, whenever I see that song going 454 00:29:55,091 --> 00:29:56,959 on and I can look around the congregation 455 00:29:56,961 --> 00:29:58,626 and know everybody's thinking the same thing. 456 00:29:58,628 --> 00:30:03,165 This man, oh, goodness. Oh, makes me laugh. 457 00:30:03,167 --> 00:30:06,167 Anyway, have you, uh, prepared your remarks? 458 00:30:06,169 --> 00:30:09,273 Ugh, no. Not yet. But, I will. 459 00:30:10,640 --> 00:30:11,706 So, how are you? 460 00:30:11,708 --> 00:30:13,010 Oh, I'm fine. 461 00:30:13,644 --> 00:30:15,543 No, really. 462 00:30:15,545 --> 00:30:18,146 I mean, it's been a while since we've talked. 463 00:30:18,148 --> 00:30:21,249 And you know, even a pastor needs a pastor. 464 00:30:21,251 --> 00:30:23,018 We should do it, okay? 465 00:30:23,020 --> 00:30:24,319 I'd like that. 466 00:30:24,321 --> 00:30:26,454 Good. And come by here more often. 467 00:30:26,456 --> 00:30:29,558 You should get out. Come on by and be a part of things. 468 00:30:29,560 --> 00:30:31,659 So many activities you can do. And... 469 00:30:31,661 --> 00:30:33,395 - And the kids like you a lot. - Mmm. 470 00:30:33,397 --> 00:30:34,663 They always speak highly of you. 471 00:30:34,665 --> 00:30:36,431 So you can get out of that, uh... 472 00:30:36,433 --> 00:30:38,265 What is the play? What do they like to call it, 473 00:30:38,267 --> 00:30:41,636 over where you are? The, uh... The museum. 474 00:30:41,638 --> 00:30:43,504 The souvenir shop. 475 00:30:43,506 --> 00:30:45,206 They call it the souvenir shop. 476 00:30:45,208 --> 00:30:47,611 Well, good. Well, good. You're doing a great job. 477 00:30:48,678 --> 00:30:50,480 I'm grateful for the opportunity. 478 00:31:21,244 --> 00:31:22,644 How was Jeffers? 479 00:31:22,646 --> 00:31:25,746 Oh. He wants me to meet Ed Balq. 480 00:31:25,748 --> 00:31:29,384 Balq Industries, Balq Energy, Balq Paper, Balq Peanuts... 481 00:31:29,386 --> 00:31:30,786 Why? 482 00:31:30,788 --> 00:31:34,522 Well, it's all about the Reconsecration. 483 00:31:34,524 --> 00:31:37,658 And apparently Mr. Balq wants to make sure he gets 484 00:31:37,660 --> 00:31:39,761 proper credit for underwriting the whole thing. 485 00:31:39,763 --> 00:31:41,262 Well, he should. 486 00:31:41,264 --> 00:31:42,530 First Reformed would be a parking lot 487 00:31:42,532 --> 00:31:44,401 - if it wasn't for him. - I guess. 488 00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:47,437 Did you see the doctor? 489 00:31:49,173 --> 00:31:50,771 Yes. I made an appointment. 490 00:31:50,773 --> 00:31:52,206 There was a bit of a hang up 491 00:31:52,208 --> 00:31:53,841 with the insurance company, but... 492 00:31:53,843 --> 00:31:55,580 God, they make it so difficult. 493 00:31:56,647 --> 00:31:59,181 Yeah, well. That's what they do. 494 00:31:59,183 --> 00:32:00,251 Mmm-hmm. 495 00:32:00,783 --> 00:32:02,786 You need someone to take care of you. 496 00:32:05,755 --> 00:32:10,224 Esther, we tried that. I'm not made for that. 497 00:32:10,226 --> 00:32:14,197 For what? Love? You're not made for love? 498 00:32:15,698 --> 00:32:17,368 My marriage was a failure. 499 00:32:18,801 --> 00:32:21,606 No marriage can survive the loss of a child. 500 00:32:28,111 --> 00:32:29,246 It's not right. 501 00:32:33,317 --> 00:32:35,517 Is that what you think? 502 00:32:35,519 --> 00:32:37,251 That what we did together was a sin? 503 00:32:37,253 --> 00:32:38,419 That we transgressed? 504 00:32:38,421 --> 00:32:40,690 No. That's not what I think. 505 00:32:41,524 --> 00:32:44,126 I've seen enough real sin to know the difference. 506 00:32:44,128 --> 00:32:45,263 It's just... 507 00:32:46,496 --> 00:32:48,129 Okay? 508 00:32:48,131 --> 00:32:51,234 Okay. I understand, I... 509 00:32:52,336 --> 00:32:54,205 I care about you. I want you to be happy. 510 00:32:56,907 --> 00:32:58,475 Well, I am happy. 511 00:33:05,482 --> 00:33:08,582 Some are called for their gregariousness, 512 00:33:08,584 --> 00:33:10,454 some are called for their suffering. 513 00:33:11,788 --> 00:33:14,155 Others are called for their loneliness. 514 00:33:15,324 --> 00:33:16,892 They are called by God, 515 00:33:16,894 --> 00:33:18,425 because through the vessel of communication 516 00:33:18,427 --> 00:33:19,828 they can reach out, 517 00:33:19,830 --> 00:33:21,799 and hold beating hearts in their hands. 518 00:33:23,833 --> 00:33:26,635 They are called because of their all-consuming knowledge 519 00:33:26,637 --> 00:33:28,802 of the emptiness of all things 520 00:33:28,804 --> 00:33:31,673 that can only be filled by the presence of Our Savior. 521 00:33:37,848 --> 00:33:39,647 - Yes? - Reverend Toller? 522 00:33:39,649 --> 00:33:41,415 - Oh! - It's me. 523 00:33:41,417 --> 00:33:45,220 Yes, Mary? I got your message about rescheduling. 524 00:33:45,222 --> 00:33:47,758 You must come over. Now. 525 00:33:48,658 --> 00:33:50,424 Is Michael there? 526 00:33:50,426 --> 00:33:53,360 No. He's at work. You must come over. Now. 527 00:33:53,362 --> 00:33:54,898 Okay. Okay. 528 00:34:19,355 --> 00:34:20,891 Thanks for coming. 529 00:34:24,895 --> 00:34:26,197 Follow me. 530 00:34:43,746 --> 00:34:46,915 I was, uh, looking for some batteries, 531 00:34:46,917 --> 00:34:49,284 'cause we were out. And I thought maybe 532 00:34:49,286 --> 00:34:50,719 there'd be some in here, you know? 533 00:34:50,721 --> 00:34:54,192 And then something just didn't seem right. 534 00:34:55,792 --> 00:34:57,826 Okay, I put everything back the way I found it, 535 00:34:57,828 --> 00:35:01,699 'cause I wanted you to see how it was. 536 00:35:18,014 --> 00:35:19,382 Explosives? 537 00:35:20,583 --> 00:35:22,252 It's a suicide vest. 538 00:35:23,453 --> 00:35:24,819 And there's other elements in there too. 539 00:35:24,821 --> 00:35:28,456 There's batteries and, um, detonators 540 00:35:28,458 --> 00:35:29,793 and tubes of jelly. 541 00:35:32,295 --> 00:35:35,529 You know, he'd been working in the garage lately. 542 00:35:35,531 --> 00:35:39,333 And he said he was fixing a motor. 543 00:35:39,335 --> 00:35:40,835 And I didn't question him. 544 00:35:40,837 --> 00:35:42,570 Cause I... I was just happy 545 00:35:42,572 --> 00:35:44,375 that he was doing something that made him happy. 546 00:35:44,708 --> 00:35:46,507 But you had no idea that he was thinking of... 547 00:35:46,509 --> 00:35:49,744 No. No suspicions. Nothing like this. 548 00:35:49,746 --> 00:35:52,713 All right. Well. I'm gonna take this. All right? 549 00:35:52,715 --> 00:35:54,382 This cannot remain here. 550 00:35:54,384 --> 00:35:57,951 I'm gonna take it and dispose of it. And... 551 00:35:57,953 --> 00:36:00,355 You're not gonna go to the police? 552 00:36:00,357 --> 00:36:01,922 No, I won't... Do you... Do you want me to? 553 00:36:01,924 --> 00:36:03,891 No! No, no, no. 554 00:36:03,893 --> 00:36:05,326 I don't think it'd help. 555 00:36:05,328 --> 00:36:06,795 I don't think anything good 556 00:36:06,797 --> 00:36:08,962 will come from him feeling threatened. 557 00:36:08,964 --> 00:36:11,599 I think I'm gonna come over tomorrow. 558 00:36:11,601 --> 00:36:13,034 Tomorrow. 559 00:36:13,036 --> 00:36:15,637 Somehow, through our conversation, 560 00:36:15,639 --> 00:36:17,275 I will address this. 561 00:36:18,741 --> 00:36:20,375 I'm so frightened. 562 00:36:20,377 --> 00:36:22,344 You don't mean that he, you're afraid of him? 563 00:36:22,346 --> 00:36:23,511 That he's gonna hurt you, right? 564 00:36:23,513 --> 00:36:24,945 No. No, no, no. 565 00:36:24,947 --> 00:36:26,480 - I'm afraid for him. - No? Okay. All right. 566 00:36:26,482 --> 00:36:28,049 You know, are there other activists, 567 00:36:28,051 --> 00:36:29,784 - like coming around, calling? - No. There's nobody. 568 00:36:29,786 --> 00:36:32,753 He has no friends. He's barely even sociable, so. 569 00:36:32,755 --> 00:36:33,991 All right, but he has you. 570 00:36:35,125 --> 00:36:36,824 - Yeah. - You'll stand by him? 571 00:36:36,826 --> 00:36:39,729 - Yeah, absolutely. - All right. Well, so will I. 572 00:36:54,009 --> 00:36:56,511 Discernment intersects with Christian life 573 00:36:56,513 --> 00:36:57,581 at every moment. 574 00:36:59,750 --> 00:37:00,818 Discernment. 575 00:37:03,719 --> 00:37:05,853 Listening and waiting for God's wish 576 00:37:05,855 --> 00:37:07,725 what action must be taken. 577 00:37:23,005 --> 00:37:25,710 My petty ailments have made me bad-tempered. 578 00:37:26,743 --> 00:37:28,409 I fight the urge not to write down 579 00:37:28,411 --> 00:37:30,114 the thoughts which come to my mind. 580 00:37:34,717 --> 00:37:37,485 The desire to pray itself is a type of prayer. 581 00:37:38,922 --> 00:37:40,855 How often we ask for genuine experience 582 00:37:40,857 --> 00:37:42,924 when all we really want is emotion. 583 00:37:48,130 --> 00:37:50,701 My hands shake as I write these lines. 584 00:38:11,054 --> 00:38:13,157 I wasn't expecting you for another couple weeks. 585 00:38:13,889 --> 00:38:15,790 Uh, we got a message from the boss. 586 00:38:15,792 --> 00:38:17,458 He said it was a top priority. 587 00:38:17,460 --> 00:38:19,527 You're having some kind of big event here? 588 00:38:19,529 --> 00:38:22,931 Yeah, the church is having its 250th anniversary. 589 00:38:22,933 --> 00:38:26,170 Abundant Life is planning quite the ceremony. 590 00:38:32,775 --> 00:38:34,411 Hmm. A Mighty Fortress. 591 00:38:35,478 --> 00:38:37,013 Oh. 592 00:41:00,857 --> 00:41:02,757 Yes, sir. 593 00:41:02,759 --> 00:41:04,291 I mean, he had been fighting with depression. 594 00:41:04,293 --> 00:41:05,996 That's why I was supposed to meet him. 595 00:41:06,862 --> 00:41:08,765 I never imagined anything like this. 596 00:41:09,398 --> 00:41:11,398 Were you in touch with the immediate family? 597 00:41:11,400 --> 00:41:13,233 Well, his... His wife, Mary. 598 00:41:13,235 --> 00:41:16,103 She's the one who first asked me to meet with him. 599 00:41:16,105 --> 00:41:18,038 Did she know about your text? 600 00:41:18,040 --> 00:41:21,044 No. But she was concerned. We... We both were. 601 00:41:23,246 --> 00:41:24,615 Have you notified her? 602 00:41:26,181 --> 00:41:27,317 No. 603 00:41:28,150 --> 00:41:29,784 I guess that's where I'm headed. 604 00:41:29,786 --> 00:41:31,686 All right. Okay. 605 00:41:31,688 --> 00:41:34,725 All right, do you mind if I follow behind you? All right. 606 00:41:35,859 --> 00:41:37,094 I knew his father. 607 00:41:37,960 --> 00:41:40,128 Really? What's he like? 608 00:41:40,130 --> 00:41:41,929 A businessman. 609 00:41:41,931 --> 00:41:44,098 Morbid son of a bitch. 610 00:41:44,100 --> 00:41:45,768 I guess it runs in the blood. 611 00:41:57,112 --> 00:41:58,948 Thank you, Reverend. 612 00:42:00,984 --> 00:42:03,384 Mrs. Mensana, again I'm sorry for your loss. 613 00:42:03,386 --> 00:42:05,719 If there's anything else that we can do, please let us know. 614 00:42:05,721 --> 00:42:07,020 - Thanks. - Thank you, Officer. 615 00:42:07,022 --> 00:42:08,057 Reverend. Thank you. 616 00:42:22,971 --> 00:42:24,674 You didn't tell the police, right? 617 00:42:26,141 --> 00:42:27,741 About? 618 00:42:27,743 --> 00:42:30,213 No. No. 619 00:42:32,181 --> 00:42:35,685 If you find anything else 620 00:42:37,052 --> 00:42:40,123 like that, get rid of it. 621 00:42:41,324 --> 00:42:43,793 As long as it's safe, I mean. Burn it, bury it. 622 00:42:45,027 --> 00:42:47,728 Michael was troubled, but his cause was just. 623 00:42:47,730 --> 00:42:50,167 There's no reason to bring disrepute on that cause. 624 00:42:51,366 --> 00:42:52,467 Yeah. 625 00:42:52,469 --> 00:42:54,371 Are you an activist as well? 626 00:42:56,072 --> 00:42:57,975 I share Michael's beliefs. 627 00:43:00,210 --> 00:43:03,411 But not his despair. I mean, I wanna live. 628 00:43:03,413 --> 00:43:05,445 - I wanna be a mother. - Right. 629 00:43:05,447 --> 00:43:07,482 I wanna have this child. 630 00:43:07,484 --> 00:43:09,916 Do you have family nearby? 631 00:43:09,918 --> 00:43:11,985 My... Yeah, my sister. She's in Buffalo. 632 00:43:11,987 --> 00:43:14,223 - You might want to call her. - I will. 633 00:43:24,400 --> 00:43:27,003 So, he... He went into the garage? 634 00:43:29,438 --> 00:43:30,473 Yeah. 635 00:43:33,176 --> 00:43:34,210 What did he say? 636 00:43:36,011 --> 00:43:37,080 Nothing. 637 00:43:47,891 --> 00:43:50,291 Well, from a police point of view, 638 00:43:50,293 --> 00:43:53,795 I imagine this is a pretty cut-and-dry case. 639 00:43:53,797 --> 00:43:56,833 Still, I'd probably clean up the office, 640 00:43:57,199 --> 00:43:59,402 maybe get rid of his laptop. 641 00:44:04,507 --> 00:44:05,775 You... 642 00:44:31,234 --> 00:44:32,302 Open it. 643 00:45:05,201 --> 00:45:07,070 I'd sensed it. 644 00:45:07,971 --> 00:45:09,139 What? 645 00:45:10,973 --> 00:45:12,408 He was absent. 646 00:45:15,277 --> 00:45:17,513 He was becoming someone I didn't know. 647 00:45:21,083 --> 00:45:23,486 Like, before I was pregnant even. 648 00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:28,225 And he was just so full of anger, you know? 649 00:45:33,496 --> 00:45:37,334 Think I should probably call my parents. My sister. 650 00:45:40,369 --> 00:45:43,005 They should... They should know. 651 00:45:45,308 --> 00:45:47,942 I stayed while she called her sister. 652 00:45:47,944 --> 00:45:50,610 Her sister was going to drive down. 653 00:45:50,612 --> 00:45:53,216 And her parents would come for the final rights. 654 00:45:57,520 --> 00:45:59,487 Uh, hey, Bill. Chicken or beef? 655 00:45:59,489 --> 00:46:01,355 - Uh, beef. - Beef. Okay, great. 656 00:46:01,357 --> 00:46:02,559 How've you been? 657 00:46:03,259 --> 00:46:05,395 - I'm all right. Yeah. - You okay? 658 00:46:07,462 --> 00:46:09,130 Is that enough for you? 659 00:46:09,132 --> 00:46:10,334 Thanks a lot, Reverend. 660 00:46:11,534 --> 00:46:13,300 Did you want the chicken or the beef? 661 00:46:13,302 --> 00:46:14,601 Uh, the beef. Thank you. 662 00:46:14,603 --> 00:46:16,339 Beef? Yeah. Cool. 663 00:46:17,473 --> 00:46:20,043 There you are. Careful, it's hot. 664 00:46:21,476 --> 00:46:22,944 Reverend, I wanted to ask you... 665 00:46:22,946 --> 00:46:24,244 - Oh, shit! - Ow! 666 00:46:24,246 --> 00:46:27,583 Damn. I'm sorry, Joseph! I'm so sorry. 667 00:46:28,618 --> 00:46:32,052 Terrible night. No sooner than I shut my eyes, 668 00:46:32,054 --> 00:46:34,190 desolation came upon me. 669 00:46:36,025 --> 00:46:38,528 What is one's last thought as you pull the trigger? 670 00:46:40,362 --> 00:46:42,395 "There goes my head." 671 00:46:42,397 --> 00:46:46,302 Or, "Jesus, watch over me?" Or neither? 672 00:46:48,071 --> 00:46:50,371 I'm going to tear these pages out. 673 00:46:50,373 --> 00:46:53,273 This journal brings me no peace. 674 00:46:53,275 --> 00:46:55,578 It's self-pity. Nothing more. 675 00:47:32,748 --> 00:47:34,984 I awoke at three with a cry. 676 00:47:35,685 --> 00:47:37,317 It's been five months 677 00:47:37,319 --> 00:47:39,388 since I sensed the first warning signs. 678 00:47:43,558 --> 00:47:46,529 I went into the church and fell asleep on a bench. 679 00:47:53,201 --> 00:47:56,036 How easily they talk about prayer, 680 00:47:56,038 --> 00:47:57,674 those who have never really prayed. 681 00:48:04,346 --> 00:48:08,685 Excuse me? Oh, my goodness! 682 00:48:10,786 --> 00:48:13,286 Well, since I made my commitment, I... 683 00:48:13,288 --> 00:48:15,424 I have felt the Lord moving in my life. 684 00:48:16,192 --> 00:48:17,724 If happiness came in pill size, 685 00:48:17,726 --> 00:48:19,492 it would have JC stamped on it. 686 00:48:21,197 --> 00:48:23,300 Continuous release size. 687 00:48:24,266 --> 00:48:26,766 I wake up feeling better. 688 00:48:26,768 --> 00:48:29,469 My relationships are better. 689 00:48:29,471 --> 00:48:31,674 And I got a raise last week. 690 00:48:32,275 --> 00:48:33,574 I find myself in prayer 691 00:48:33,576 --> 00:48:35,311 without even thinking about it. 692 00:48:37,346 --> 00:48:41,181 Thank you, Jason. That is very inspiring. 693 00:48:41,183 --> 00:48:45,121 Praise Jesus. My every breath is a prayer. 694 00:48:45,554 --> 00:48:50,391 Uh, thoughts? Reactions? Yes? Cynthia. 695 00:48:50,393 --> 00:48:52,795 Three months ago, my father got laid off. 696 00:48:53,728 --> 00:48:55,398 He can't find any work. 697 00:48:55,598 --> 00:48:57,831 Nobody loves the Lord more than my father. 698 00:48:57,833 --> 00:49:00,669 He is always testifying, he volunteers. 699 00:49:01,703 --> 00:49:03,406 Did he do something wrong? 700 00:49:05,373 --> 00:49:09,143 Um... You all know Reverend Toller 701 00:49:09,145 --> 00:49:10,380 from First Reformed. 702 00:49:11,147 --> 00:49:13,183 Hey, yeah. Hi. Yeah. 703 00:49:14,217 --> 00:49:17,220 How... How do you answer this, Reverend? 704 00:49:18,121 --> 00:49:20,855 Well, Cynthia. I'm sorry that happened to your father. 705 00:49:20,857 --> 00:49:22,655 There's a lot of church people, 706 00:49:22,657 --> 00:49:26,126 good Christians, who see, uh, a connection 707 00:49:26,128 --> 00:49:29,762 between godliness and prosperity. 708 00:49:29,764 --> 00:49:32,266 But that's not what Jesus teaches. 709 00:49:32,268 --> 00:49:33,601 That's not what Jesus lived. 710 00:49:33,603 --> 00:49:35,703 There's no dollar sign on His pulpit. 711 00:49:35,705 --> 00:49:38,371 There's no American flag either. 712 00:49:38,373 --> 00:49:41,808 I think, Cynthia, what your father is experiencing is... 713 00:49:41,810 --> 00:49:44,411 Christians shouldn't succeed. 714 00:49:44,413 --> 00:49:47,581 That's what he means. Christianity is for losers? 715 00:49:47,583 --> 00:49:49,215 Jake, Jake! 716 00:49:49,217 --> 00:49:51,451 I just get tired of turn the other cheek. 717 00:49:51,453 --> 00:49:52,920 Jesus didn't turn the other cheek. 718 00:49:52,922 --> 00:49:54,889 Why stand for anything? 719 00:49:54,891 --> 00:49:57,157 Take prayer out of the schools. 720 00:49:57,159 --> 00:49:59,626 Give money to people too lazy to work for it. 721 00:49:59,628 --> 00:50:01,464 And whatever you do, don't offend the Muslims. 722 00:50:02,732 --> 00:50:04,732 I mean, no sooner do I mention the poor, 723 00:50:04,734 --> 00:50:06,733 and this teenager jumps down my throat 724 00:50:06,735 --> 00:50:09,235 like I just took a shit on the American flag. 725 00:50:09,237 --> 00:50:12,639 Forgive my language. Oh, God! 726 00:50:12,641 --> 00:50:14,275 Oh, Roger told me. 727 00:50:14,277 --> 00:50:16,509 He was great. He was terrific. He's a good man. 728 00:50:16,511 --> 00:50:17,777 Well, he said you kept your cool, 729 00:50:17,779 --> 00:50:18,881 and he admired you for that. 730 00:50:19,915 --> 00:50:21,315 There's just no middle ground with these kids. 731 00:50:21,317 --> 00:50:23,516 Everything is so extreme. 732 00:50:23,518 --> 00:50:25,886 It's the times. These are frightening times. These... 733 00:50:25,888 --> 00:50:28,221 These kids, they grow up in a world 734 00:50:28,223 --> 00:50:30,257 that, you and I, we wouldn't even recognize. 735 00:50:30,259 --> 00:50:34,228 Global warming, a sea of pornography, 736 00:50:34,230 --> 00:50:37,831 hyper violent video games. It's a world without privacy. 737 00:50:37,833 --> 00:50:41,902 Each kid isolated, communicating on media. 738 00:50:41,904 --> 00:50:43,770 It's a world without hope! 739 00:50:43,772 --> 00:50:45,471 You don't know what it's like to raise a kid in this... 740 00:50:45,473 --> 00:50:46,842 No, I did raise a kid. 741 00:50:48,643 --> 00:50:50,344 I didn't mean it like that. 742 00:50:50,346 --> 00:50:51,447 I know you didn't. 743 00:50:52,714 --> 00:50:54,648 They're just frightened. These kids, 744 00:50:54,650 --> 00:50:56,583 - they want certainty. - Mmm-hmm. 745 00:50:56,585 --> 00:50:58,554 You know, don't think, follow. 746 00:50:59,322 --> 00:51:00,357 Uh... 747 00:51:00,690 --> 00:51:02,792 But they fall prey to extremism. 748 00:51:03,259 --> 00:51:07,328 Jihadism is everywhere. Even here. 749 00:51:07,330 --> 00:51:10,230 It's just... That's not the church that called me. 750 00:51:10,232 --> 00:51:11,665 Nor me. 751 00:51:11,667 --> 00:51:14,802 It's up to us. We have to listen and guide 752 00:51:14,804 --> 00:51:17,337 and encourage our young members 753 00:51:17,339 --> 00:51:19,273 to express themselves 754 00:51:19,275 --> 00:51:20,741 without judging them. 755 00:51:20,743 --> 00:51:22,311 We have to lead by example. 756 00:51:22,944 --> 00:51:24,613 We have to be patient. 757 00:51:35,257 --> 00:51:36,556 Oh, this sounds great. 758 00:51:36,558 --> 00:51:37,891 I'm gonna have to sharpen my chops 759 00:51:37,893 --> 00:51:39,393 for the Reconsecration. 760 00:51:39,395 --> 00:51:41,328 Do you know what they want to play? 761 00:51:41,330 --> 00:51:42,630 No, I have no idea. 762 00:51:42,632 --> 00:51:44,264 Abundant Life is handling everything. 763 00:51:44,266 --> 00:51:45,532 Invites, the seating. 764 00:51:45,534 --> 00:51:47,400 Basically, I just introduce Joel. 765 00:51:47,402 --> 00:51:50,371 And then he does his spiel, introduces the Governor, 766 00:51:50,373 --> 00:51:51,471 maybe Ed Balq. 767 00:51:51,473 --> 00:51:52,609 Oh, why him? 768 00:51:52,907 --> 00:51:54,708 It's sort of his whole deal. 769 00:51:54,710 --> 00:51:56,509 I mean, he's underwritten the whole thing, 770 00:51:56,511 --> 00:51:58,478 paid to have the organ fixed. 771 00:51:58,480 --> 00:52:00,413 I do have another musical question for you... 772 00:52:00,415 --> 00:52:01,514 Oh. Take it from the top. 773 00:52:14,764 --> 00:52:18,998 It's actually a kind of sad bit of business. 774 00:52:19,000 --> 00:52:21,402 - Hm? - The Michael Mansana memorial. 775 00:52:21,404 --> 00:52:24,975 The scattering of his ashes. He's asked me to arrange it. 776 00:52:26,342 --> 00:52:27,544 He's asked you? 777 00:52:28,576 --> 00:52:31,915 Well, he wrote a letter. He had some requests. 778 00:52:36,886 --> 00:52:41,422 Then the Lord spoke to Job, stepped from the storm. 779 00:52:41,424 --> 00:52:42,690 He said, "Where were you 780 00:52:42,692 --> 00:52:44,458 "when I laid the Earth's foundations, 781 00:52:44,460 --> 00:52:47,831 "marked out its dimensions, laid its cornerstone, 782 00:52:51,032 --> 00:52:54,067 "when the morning stars sang, 783 00:52:54,069 --> 00:52:58,374 "and the angels shouted with joy? Where were you?" 784 00:53:01,543 --> 00:53:03,576 These surroundings were chosen by Michael 785 00:53:03,578 --> 00:53:06,380 as the repository for his physical remains. 786 00:53:06,382 --> 00:53:08,114 I say physical because his memories 787 00:53:08,116 --> 00:53:10,583 and spirit live on with us, 788 00:53:10,585 --> 00:53:12,753 as does his mission. 789 00:53:12,755 --> 00:53:15,755 Michael cared about this world. 790 00:53:15,757 --> 00:53:18,491 Perhaps too much. 791 00:53:18,493 --> 00:53:22,429 The Abundant Life Youth Choir will now sing for us, uh, 792 00:53:22,431 --> 00:53:24,668 a song chosen by Michael. 793 00:53:36,578 --> 00:53:42,116 Protect the wild tomorrow's child 794 00:53:42,118 --> 00:53:47,788 Protect the land from the greed of man 795 00:53:47,790 --> 00:53:53,092 Take out the dams stand up to oil 796 00:53:53,094 --> 00:53:58,465 Protect the plants and renew the soil 797 00:53:58,467 --> 00:54:03,570 Who's gonna stand up and save the Earth? 798 00:54:03,572 --> 00:54:08,409 Who's gonna say that she's had enough? 799 00:54:08,411 --> 00:54:13,079 Who's gonna take on the big machine? 800 00:54:13,081 --> 00:54:17,683 Who's gonna stand up and save the Earth? 801 00:54:17,685 --> 00:54:23,125 This all starts with you and me 802 00:54:25,728 --> 00:54:28,561 End fossil fuels 803 00:54:28,563 --> 00:54:30,764 Draw the line 804 00:54:30,766 --> 00:54:35,701 Before we build one more pipeline 805 00:54:35,703 --> 00:54:40,474 End fracking now let's save the water 806 00:54:40,476 --> 00:54:45,478 And build a life for our sons and daughters 807 00:54:45,480 --> 00:54:50,217 Who's gonna stand up and save the Earth? 808 00:54:50,219 --> 00:54:54,721 Who's gonna say that she's had enough? 809 00:54:54,723 --> 00:54:59,992 Who's gonna take on the big machine? 810 00:54:59,994 --> 00:55:04,598 Who's gonna stand up and save the Earth? 811 00:55:04,600 --> 00:55:09,938 This all starts with you and me 812 00:55:32,161 --> 00:55:33,863 - I'm good. - All right. 813 00:55:47,543 --> 00:55:49,141 - Mr. Balq! - Hey! 814 00:55:49,143 --> 00:55:50,777 - Hello! - How are you? 815 00:55:50,779 --> 00:55:53,779 - Very good! Very good. - Very good. Good, good. 816 00:55:53,781 --> 00:55:57,686 Hey. Sorry I'm late. I got, uh... I got held up. 817 00:55:58,052 --> 00:55:59,887 Oh, good. You know Reverend Toller, right? 818 00:55:59,889 --> 00:56:01,255 Well, only by sight. Ed Barq. 819 00:56:01,257 --> 00:56:02,859 - Good to meet you. - It's nice to meet you. 820 00:56:04,592 --> 00:56:06,125 Just bring me a coffee 821 00:56:06,127 --> 00:56:07,596 - and the apple pie. All right? - Okay. Thank you. 822 00:56:08,531 --> 00:56:10,898 Uh, the apple pie. I know it's a cliché, 823 00:56:10,900 --> 00:56:14,067 but they make it right here. It's organic. It's local. 824 00:56:14,069 --> 00:56:16,570 I have a surprise for you. 825 00:56:16,572 --> 00:56:21,945 I, uh... I stopped by the printer on the way over. 826 00:56:24,145 --> 00:56:29,315 Oh. Ooh, nice. Nice. They did a great job. 827 00:56:29,317 --> 00:56:30,951 Yeah. All the guests 828 00:56:30,953 --> 00:56:32,853 at the reconsecration will get a copy. 829 00:56:32,855 --> 00:56:34,922 And then, uh, there will also be a mailing. 830 00:56:34,924 --> 00:56:37,123 And... And of course it will be available at the bookstore. 831 00:56:37,125 --> 00:56:38,991 So how are the plans coming? 832 00:56:38,993 --> 00:56:40,726 Is the organ repaired? 833 00:56:40,728 --> 00:56:42,732 Oh yeah. It sounds beautiful. Better than ever. 834 00:56:43,331 --> 00:56:48,268 Okay. Um, we drew up a little seating chart. 835 00:56:48,270 --> 00:56:49,835 Now, Mayor Wilson will be there, 836 00:56:49,837 --> 00:56:51,137 as well as the Governor. 837 00:56:51,139 --> 00:56:52,838 Well, at least he's going to try... 838 00:56:52,840 --> 00:56:55,175 All of those mighty men of God, 839 00:56:55,177 --> 00:56:56,777 servants of the cross. 840 00:56:56,779 --> 00:56:58,712 Years of service, baptisms, 841 00:56:58,714 --> 00:57:01,114 confessions, funerals, sermons. 842 00:57:01,116 --> 00:57:03,083 The hours in prayer, 843 00:57:03,085 --> 00:57:07,054 the afflictions suffered. Did God give them strength? 844 00:57:07,056 --> 00:57:09,690 Reverend Toller will introduce me. I'll go up, 845 00:57:09,692 --> 00:57:11,224 I'll introduce the Governor. 846 00:57:11,226 --> 00:57:13,092 There'll be a song selection. Now, the main... 847 00:57:13,094 --> 00:57:14,930 There won't be anything political though, will there? 848 00:57:15,797 --> 00:57:17,966 No. No, why would there be? 849 00:57:18,366 --> 00:57:19,967 Well... Oh. Sorry. Do you mind? 850 00:57:19,969 --> 00:57:21,233 Here you are. 851 00:57:21,235 --> 00:57:23,036 - Thank you. - You're welcome. Enjoy. 852 00:57:23,038 --> 00:57:25,105 Well, I... I ask, uh, 853 00:57:25,107 --> 00:57:29,342 only cause, um, this came to my attention. 854 00:57:29,344 --> 00:57:32,145 It's a printout from a website. 855 00:57:32,147 --> 00:57:33,980 Well, both First Reformed and Abundant Life 856 00:57:33,982 --> 00:57:35,849 are mentioned by name. 857 00:57:35,851 --> 00:57:39,789 It was a political event. And a Neil Young protest song? 858 00:57:40,288 --> 00:57:41,922 I was just respecting the wishes 859 00:57:41,924 --> 00:57:43,757 of the deceased and... And... And his widow. 860 00:57:43,759 --> 00:57:46,692 It was their instructions for the memorial service. 861 00:57:46,694 --> 00:57:49,962 At a toxic waste site with the press in attendance? 862 00:57:49,964 --> 00:57:51,364 There was no press invited. 863 00:57:51,366 --> 00:57:53,199 No. This is just Mensana's friends. 864 00:57:53,201 --> 00:57:55,067 It was a political act. 865 00:57:55,069 --> 00:57:57,871 You and the choir represented the Abundant Life Church. 866 00:57:57,873 --> 00:57:59,139 And the Hanstown site, 867 00:57:59,141 --> 00:58:00,741 by the way, isn't even polluted. 868 00:58:00,743 --> 00:58:02,275 It was cleaned up with EPA superfunds. 869 00:58:02,277 --> 00:58:03,976 - Well, Hanstown... - No, no, of course not, 870 00:58:03,978 --> 00:58:05,945 but just give me some credit, all right? 871 00:58:05,947 --> 00:58:07,179 I'm in the energy business. 872 00:58:07,181 --> 00:58:09,016 It's my business to stay informed. 873 00:58:09,018 --> 00:58:10,951 Look, sorry. 874 00:58:10,953 --> 00:58:12,918 Reverend Toller didn't understand 875 00:58:12,920 --> 00:58:14,189 the implications here. 876 00:58:15,790 --> 00:58:17,824 - May I ask a question? - Yeah. Go ahead. 877 00:58:17,826 --> 00:58:19,728 Will God forgive us? 878 00:58:22,264 --> 00:58:25,364 Will God forgive us for what we're doing to his creation? 879 00:58:25,366 --> 00:58:29,001 That's what Mensana asked me when I visited him. 880 00:58:29,003 --> 00:58:31,204 This... There's been a lot of loose talk 881 00:58:31,206 --> 00:58:33,206 about environmental change. 882 00:58:33,208 --> 00:58:36,275 There is scientific consensus. Ninety-seven percent... 883 00:58:36,277 --> 00:58:40,079 The man who says nothing always seems more intelligent. 884 00:58:40,081 --> 00:58:41,917 Why couldn't I just keep silent? 885 00:58:43,252 --> 00:58:45,217 It's a complicated subject. 886 00:58:45,219 --> 00:58:48,857 Not really. I mean, who benefits? 887 00:58:49,157 --> 00:58:50,424 Cui bono? Who profits? 888 00:58:50,426 --> 00:58:51,991 That's what I keep asking myself. 889 00:58:51,993 --> 00:58:53,927 Besides the Biblical call to stewardship, 890 00:58:53,929 --> 00:58:55,262 who profits when we soil 891 00:58:55,264 --> 00:58:56,697 our own nest? What's to be gained... 892 00:58:56,699 --> 00:58:57,931 Can we just agree to keep politics 893 00:58:57,933 --> 00:58:59,266 out of the reconsecration service? 894 00:58:59,268 --> 00:59:01,867 - Yes. - Yes, but this isn't politics. 895 00:59:01,869 --> 00:59:03,469 I mean, what God wants is for... 896 00:59:03,471 --> 00:59:06,038 Oh, you, you, you, you... You know the mind of God? 897 00:59:06,040 --> 00:59:08,007 You spoke to him, personally? 898 00:59:08,009 --> 00:59:10,412 He told you His plans for Earth? 899 00:59:12,880 --> 00:59:16,152 Look, I understand, you're upset. 900 00:59:18,953 --> 00:59:21,289 I mean, you found the body, correct? 901 00:59:22,324 --> 00:59:23,359 Yes. 902 00:59:24,893 --> 00:59:25,895 How? 903 00:59:32,101 --> 00:59:35,367 I was supposed to meet him. 904 00:59:35,369 --> 00:59:40,810 And he texted me, and... A change of location. 905 00:59:41,176 --> 00:59:42,177 And? 906 00:59:44,513 --> 00:59:46,148 And I went there and he was dead. 907 00:59:50,152 --> 00:59:51,920 So you counseled him, Reverend? 908 00:59:53,255 --> 00:59:54,257 Yes. 909 00:59:55,190 --> 00:59:58,060 You counseled him, then he shot himself? 910 00:59:58,793 --> 00:59:59,795 Ed? 911 01:00:01,764 --> 01:00:02,765 Yes. 912 01:00:06,168 --> 01:00:09,168 Well, I think you need to step back, Reverend, 913 01:00:09,170 --> 01:00:10,804 and take a look at your own life 914 01:00:10,806 --> 01:00:13,876 before you criticize others. Hmm? 915 01:00:34,429 --> 01:00:36,898 Mary and I rode the park trail. 916 01:00:38,467 --> 01:00:42,338 I had not ridden a bicycle, I think, in 20 years. 917 01:00:47,509 --> 01:00:49,878 I was afraid I would fall. 918 01:00:55,484 --> 01:00:59,388 It's amazing the simple curative power of exercise. 919 01:01:04,960 --> 01:01:06,262 It's God given. 920 01:01:14,268 --> 01:01:16,469 Thank you again. 921 01:01:16,471 --> 01:01:18,572 Michael and I used to cycle twice a week, 922 01:01:18,574 --> 01:01:20,172 and I've missed it so much. 923 01:01:20,174 --> 01:01:23,409 No. I enjoyed it. It's been a long time. 924 01:01:23,411 --> 01:01:25,514 But it was under protest. 925 01:01:26,547 --> 01:01:29,185 - I... I asked my doctor. - Really? Still. 926 01:01:30,918 --> 01:01:32,585 Um, can I ask you another favor? 927 01:01:32,587 --> 01:01:34,020 Sure. 928 01:01:34,022 --> 01:01:35,989 Could you box up Michael's things? 929 01:01:35,991 --> 01:01:37,460 Or find somebody to do it? 930 01:01:39,460 --> 01:01:42,094 You sure you want to give them away so quickly? 931 01:01:42,096 --> 01:01:43,896 Not, like... Not give it away, 932 01:01:43,898 --> 01:01:45,866 just, you know. Just box them up. 933 01:01:45,868 --> 01:01:48,567 It just... You know, I feel... 934 01:01:48,569 --> 01:01:50,203 It's just difficult to be around 935 01:01:50,205 --> 01:01:53,005 so many smells and memories. 936 01:01:53,007 --> 01:01:54,306 You know? 937 01:01:54,308 --> 01:01:55,909 Yeah, I can... I can do it. 938 01:01:55,911 --> 01:01:57,177 Okay. 939 01:01:57,179 --> 01:01:58,578 Have you decided what's next? 940 01:01:58,580 --> 01:02:01,081 Um, the rent's paid for for two months, 941 01:02:01,083 --> 01:02:02,349 so there's no hurry. 942 01:02:02,351 --> 01:02:03,884 But, um, I'm gonna stay 943 01:02:03,886 --> 01:02:05,217 with my sister and my brother-in-law. 944 01:02:05,219 --> 01:02:07,253 - Hmm. Are you? - Until the baby is born. 945 01:02:07,255 --> 01:02:08,989 So you'll relocate there? 946 01:02:08,991 --> 01:02:12,829 Yeah. I think so. She contacted an obstetrician. 947 01:02:14,596 --> 01:02:16,232 Are we talking pink or blue? 948 01:02:17,165 --> 01:02:18,331 - Blue! - Blue. 949 01:02:18,333 --> 01:02:19,565 Blue! 950 01:02:19,567 --> 01:02:20,900 - Ah! Congratulations. - Thanks. 951 01:02:20,902 --> 01:02:21,870 - That's wonderful. - Yeah. 952 01:02:23,471 --> 01:02:26,005 Oh, hey, uh... I have a question for you, 953 01:02:26,007 --> 01:02:28,844 if, uh... If it's not too painful. 954 01:02:31,612 --> 01:02:33,980 Do you think he, uh... 955 01:02:33,982 --> 01:02:35,985 He really would have harmed someone? 956 01:02:39,987 --> 01:02:46,395 Um, he'd been a part of some non-violent protests. 957 01:02:47,429 --> 01:02:51,364 We both had. He'd been put in jail. 958 01:02:51,366 --> 01:02:54,601 He had a temper. I mean, he'd start yelling at police, 959 01:02:54,603 --> 01:02:57,369 but no, I don't think he was... 960 01:02:57,371 --> 01:02:59,442 No. I don't think he was violent. 961 01:03:02,344 --> 01:03:04,112 I just, um... 962 01:03:05,047 --> 01:03:07,614 I can't help but keep wondering 963 01:03:07,616 --> 01:03:10,052 what I should have done differently. 964 01:03:13,121 --> 01:03:15,258 He didn't want to live. 965 01:03:19,161 --> 01:03:21,931 He was not a religious man, you know. 966 01:03:23,632 --> 01:03:26,333 He didn't care for the church. That was me. 967 01:03:26,335 --> 01:03:28,335 I was the one who asked him to come. 968 01:03:28,337 --> 01:03:29,668 I was raised in the church 969 01:03:29,670 --> 01:03:33,105 and I never could quite let it go. 970 01:03:33,107 --> 01:03:34,708 I'd be in a strange city, 971 01:03:34,710 --> 01:03:36,241 and I would just go 972 01:03:36,243 --> 01:03:37,309 to a church and sit down, you know? 973 01:03:37,311 --> 01:03:39,949 I was the spiritual one. 974 01:03:44,752 --> 01:03:46,453 Thanks. 975 01:03:46,455 --> 01:03:49,456 Yeah. I'll, uh... I'm gonna go get some boxes. 976 01:03:49,458 --> 01:03:51,224 I'll come back for the clothes. 977 01:03:51,226 --> 01:03:52,561 Okay. 978 01:03:55,297 --> 01:03:57,532 Uh, Reverend? Um, 979 01:04:00,235 --> 01:04:03,406 would you pray with me? 980 01:04:05,306 --> 01:04:07,674 I just... I find it difficult to do it alone. 981 01:04:07,676 --> 01:04:11,346 Just, the words, just don't come. 982 01:04:12,214 --> 01:04:14,179 Are you uncomfortable with me asking you that? 983 01:04:14,181 --> 01:04:15,681 No. No, no, no. Of course not. Yeah. 984 01:04:15,683 --> 01:04:16,718 Okay. 985 01:04:21,288 --> 01:04:23,158 Dear Heavenly Father, 986 01:04:24,493 --> 01:04:27,559 we invite you into this room, into our heart... 987 01:04:27,561 --> 01:04:31,530 I held her hand, I spoke, 988 01:04:31,532 --> 01:04:34,199 and the words came out of my mouth. 989 01:04:34,201 --> 01:04:36,369 "By thy words, you shall be justified, 990 01:04:36,371 --> 01:04:38,574 "and by thy words, you shall be condemned." 991 01:05:42,737 --> 01:05:45,838 I can no longer ignore my health. 992 01:05:45,840 --> 01:05:48,743 I have postponed my checkup too often. 993 01:05:49,777 --> 01:05:52,348 Yesterday I could literally barely stand. 994 01:06:50,538 --> 01:06:53,641 No, I have not lost my faith. 995 01:08:12,953 --> 01:08:16,322 "And the rich man said I will pull down my barns, 996 01:08:16,324 --> 01:08:19,292 "and build greater..." 997 01:08:19,294 --> 01:08:21,394 "And I will say to my soul, 998 01:08:21,396 --> 01:08:25,465 "take thine ease, eat, drink, and be merry. 999 01:08:25,467 --> 01:08:27,000 "But God said unto his disciples, 1000 01:08:27,002 --> 01:08:28,835 "take no thought for your life, 1001 01:08:28,837 --> 01:08:30,371 "what ye shall eat..." 1002 01:08:32,874 --> 01:08:38,443 "Neither for the body, what ye shall put on. 1003 01:08:38,445 --> 01:08:41,948 "The life is more than meat, 1004 01:08:41,950 --> 01:08:45,585 "and the body is more than raiment." 1005 01:08:45,587 --> 01:08:48,590 Thus ends the reading of the Lord. Praise be God. 1006 01:08:48,956 --> 01:08:50,491 When did he come back? 1007 01:08:50,758 --> 01:08:53,228 Well, he was out most of Friday. 1008 01:08:53,695 --> 01:08:55,560 So he went to Albany for his checkup? 1009 01:08:55,562 --> 01:08:57,596 I asked him, buy he didn't give me any details. 1010 01:08:57,598 --> 01:08:59,267 Uh, you know how he is. 1011 01:09:00,502 --> 01:09:01,801 Perhaps I can check. 1012 01:09:01,803 --> 01:09:02,838 Esther. 1013 01:09:03,038 --> 01:09:04,369 It's just... 1014 01:09:04,371 --> 01:09:07,008 I know. I know. 1015 01:09:10,477 --> 01:09:13,281 - Okay. All right. Bye. - See ya. 1016 01:09:25,826 --> 01:09:28,661 We'd like to do a gastroscopic exam. 1017 01:09:28,663 --> 01:09:31,997 We lower a fiber optic camera down the throat and esophagus, 1018 01:09:31,999 --> 01:09:33,733 and take a look around. 1019 01:09:33,735 --> 01:09:35,400 It's an outpatient procedure, local anesthetic. 1020 01:09:35,402 --> 01:09:36,969 You should be able to leave by mid-afternoon. 1021 01:09:36,971 --> 01:09:38,871 Still, that doesn't... That doesn't sound too good. 1022 01:09:38,873 --> 01:09:41,808 Well, we'd like to check for evidence of malignancy. 1023 01:09:41,810 --> 01:09:42,945 Cancer. 1024 01:09:44,445 --> 01:09:46,714 Cancer's not the fearsome medical foe it once was. 1025 01:09:47,115 --> 01:09:48,417 Mmm-hmm. 1026 01:09:50,884 --> 01:09:53,321 What's the... The treatment for that? 1027 01:09:54,455 --> 01:09:57,493 It depends on how far advanced the tumor is. 1028 01:09:58,026 --> 01:09:59,658 But... 1029 01:09:59,660 --> 01:10:01,730 You stated you've been experiencing discomfort. 1030 01:10:01,963 --> 01:10:04,529 Uh-huh. Yeah. 1031 01:10:04,531 --> 01:10:06,599 Six months? 1032 01:10:06,601 --> 01:10:10,769 Well, diet, medication, chemo, even surgery. 1033 01:10:10,771 --> 01:10:13,439 We have a variety of diagnostic tools. 1034 01:10:13,441 --> 01:10:15,444 Have you had any bloody stools? 1035 01:10:20,080 --> 01:10:21,549 Recently? 1036 01:10:23,985 --> 01:10:25,952 Okay. I'd like to schedule 1037 01:10:25,954 --> 01:10:27,720 the gastroscopy as soon as possible. 1038 01:10:27,722 --> 01:10:31,493 We have an open slot week after next. 1039 01:10:32,093 --> 01:10:33,062 Okay. 1040 01:10:33,628 --> 01:10:34,630 What's your diet? 1041 01:10:35,029 --> 01:10:38,631 My diet? Um, I'm hungry, I eat. 1042 01:10:38,633 --> 01:10:40,032 - You smoke? - No. 1043 01:10:40,034 --> 01:10:41,070 Drink? 1044 01:10:42,504 --> 01:10:44,436 Mmm, in moderation. 1045 01:10:44,438 --> 01:10:45,971 That needs to end. 1046 01:10:45,973 --> 01:10:47,407 I'm gonna call in a prescription to help 1047 01:10:47,409 --> 01:10:48,841 - with the stomach pain. - Huh. 1048 01:10:48,843 --> 01:10:50,946 And I want you to take nutritional supplements. 1049 01:10:51,579 --> 01:10:52,681 Okay. 1050 01:10:53,714 --> 01:10:54,949 Are you in pain now? 1051 01:10:56,183 --> 01:10:57,686 No. No. I feel good. 1052 01:10:59,654 --> 01:11:03,622 We tend to think that anxiety and worry 1053 01:11:03,624 --> 01:11:07,662 are simply an indication of how wise we are, 1054 01:11:08,695 --> 01:11:10,061 yet it is a much better indication 1055 01:11:10,063 --> 01:11:12,631 of how wicked we are. 1056 01:11:12,633 --> 01:11:16,568 Fretting arises from our determination 1057 01:11:16,570 --> 01:11:18,970 to have our own way. 1058 01:11:18,972 --> 01:11:23,444 Our Lord never worried and was never anxious. 1059 01:11:24,012 --> 01:11:25,711 I'll be back in a bit. 1060 01:11:25,713 --> 01:11:28,180 Because His purpose was to accomplish 1061 01:11:28,182 --> 01:11:30,485 not his own plans... 1062 01:11:35,056 --> 01:11:36,058 Reverend? 1063 01:11:36,490 --> 01:11:37,723 Hi Esther. 1064 01:11:37,725 --> 01:11:39,125 I... I didn't know you were coming. 1065 01:11:39,127 --> 01:11:41,027 Well, Joel's office called. 1066 01:11:41,029 --> 01:11:42,694 They want to talk to me about the Reconsecration program. 1067 01:11:42,696 --> 01:11:44,463 Did... Did they talk to you? 1068 01:11:44,465 --> 01:11:46,732 Uh, I'll be at First Reformed. And Stanley will be 1069 01:11:46,734 --> 01:11:48,634 with the full choir here for the simulcast. 1070 01:11:48,636 --> 01:11:50,002 Mmm-hmm. Nice. 1071 01:11:50,004 --> 01:11:51,136 The acoustics will be wonderful. I mean... 1072 01:11:51,138 --> 01:11:52,805 Stop. 1073 01:11:52,807 --> 01:11:55,574 Really wonderful. Did you hear from Albany? 1074 01:11:55,576 --> 01:11:56,641 Yeah. I did. 1075 01:11:56,643 --> 01:11:57,743 Well, what did they say? 1076 01:11:57,745 --> 01:11:59,077 Nothing. Just some more tests. 1077 01:11:59,079 --> 01:12:00,581 A gastroscopy. 1078 01:12:02,484 --> 01:12:03,819 And you know this how? 1079 01:12:04,819 --> 01:12:06,152 I called. 1080 01:12:06,154 --> 01:12:08,790 - I'm worried about you. - Leave me alone. 1081 01:12:10,491 --> 01:12:12,958 - I just want to try... - I know what you want! 1082 01:12:12,960 --> 01:12:15,161 All right? And I cannot bear your concern, 1083 01:12:15,163 --> 01:12:17,229 your constant hovering. Your neediness. 1084 01:12:17,231 --> 01:12:19,799 You, you're a constant reminder 1085 01:12:19,801 --> 01:12:22,868 of my own personal inadequacies and failings. 1086 01:12:22,870 --> 01:12:26,775 You want something that never was and never will be. 1087 01:12:27,241 --> 01:12:28,608 Don't make me do this, 'cause I... 1088 01:12:28,610 --> 01:12:30,141 Esther. Esther. Esther. 1089 01:12:30,143 --> 01:12:31,777 Pull yourself together. Okay? Look at yourself. 1090 01:12:31,779 --> 01:12:33,714 You don't take care of yourself. 1091 01:12:34,682 --> 01:12:36,218 I despise you. 1092 01:12:37,051 --> 01:12:40,219 I despise what you bring out in me. 1093 01:12:40,221 --> 01:12:42,721 Your concerns are petty. 1094 01:12:42,723 --> 01:12:44,860 You are a stumbling block. 1095 01:12:58,106 --> 01:13:00,238 I suddenly feel much better. 1096 01:13:00,240 --> 01:13:03,009 I awoke early, clear-headed 1097 01:13:03,011 --> 01:13:05,681 and immediately set about my daily tasks. 1098 01:16:24,478 --> 01:16:26,345 "The nations raged..." 1099 01:16:28,249 --> 01:16:30,018 "But your wrath came, 1100 01:16:31,084 --> 01:16:33,721 "and the time for the dead to be judged, 1101 01:16:36,324 --> 01:16:38,090 "and for rewarding your servants, 1102 01:16:38,092 --> 01:16:39,728 "and prophets and saints, 1103 01:16:40,460 --> 01:16:42,731 "and for those who fear your name, 1104 01:16:43,130 --> 01:16:45,032 "both small and great, 1105 01:16:47,168 --> 01:16:50,304 "and for destroying the destroyers of the Earth." 1106 01:16:54,441 --> 01:16:57,044 Revelations 11:18. 1107 01:17:21,968 --> 01:17:24,068 I have removed the previous pages. 1108 01:17:24,070 --> 01:17:25,940 They were written in a delirium. 1109 01:17:26,973 --> 01:17:29,143 But I am determined to continue. 1110 01:17:31,145 --> 01:17:33,915 It's hard to struggle against torpor. 1111 01:17:34,848 --> 01:17:36,485 I must set pen to paper. 1112 01:17:59,339 --> 01:18:00,342 Shit. 1113 01:18:15,356 --> 01:18:17,922 - Oh, hey Mary. - Hi. Can I come in? 1114 01:18:17,924 --> 01:18:19,558 Yeah, of course. Come on in. Come on, come on. 1115 01:18:19,560 --> 01:18:21,894 Come on, come in. Do you need anything? 1116 01:18:21,896 --> 01:18:24,063 Um, do you want... Um, can I take your coat? 1117 01:18:24,065 --> 01:18:26,468 - Yeah. - Hey, are you all right? 1118 01:18:27,101 --> 01:18:29,301 - Um... - Let me get this. 1119 01:18:29,303 --> 01:18:31,306 Uh, no. 1120 01:18:34,875 --> 01:18:37,176 I'm just, I'm really frightened. 1121 01:18:37,178 --> 01:18:39,214 I'm like I'm frightened of everything. 1122 01:18:40,414 --> 01:18:43,882 Uh, I woke up and my heart was pounding 1123 01:18:43,884 --> 01:18:45,917 and I... I thought, like, the roof, 1124 01:18:45,919 --> 01:18:48,220 the ceiling, was just gonna fall in. 1125 01:18:48,222 --> 01:18:51,155 Um, so I... I had to get out. 1126 01:18:51,157 --> 01:18:52,424 Yeah. Mary? 1127 01:18:52,426 --> 01:18:54,359 And I just drove around, and... And I... 1128 01:18:54,361 --> 01:18:56,961 I didn't put any make-up on. Sorry. 1129 01:18:56,963 --> 01:19:00,131 I'm glad you came. Do you want some, uh... 1130 01:19:00,133 --> 01:19:01,567 Some water, some tea... 1131 01:19:01,569 --> 01:19:03,271 Without warning, 1132 01:19:04,972 --> 01:19:07,008 this dark curtain just fell. 1133 01:19:07,642 --> 01:19:10,542 I'm... I'm scared of everything. 1134 01:19:10,544 --> 01:19:12,344 Well, you did the right thing coming here. 1135 01:19:12,346 --> 01:19:13,979 I just can't stop my thoughts. 1136 01:19:13,981 --> 01:19:15,948 They just keep going on and on. 1137 01:19:15,950 --> 01:19:17,586 They repeat and repeat. 1138 01:19:18,386 --> 01:19:20,955 Did this ever happen before Michael's death? 1139 01:19:22,123 --> 01:19:26,194 A little. Yeah. Not like this though. 1140 01:19:27,328 --> 01:19:29,994 I read online that, um, they used to believe 1141 01:19:29,996 --> 01:19:32,297 that pregnancy made you happy, but now they feel like 1142 01:19:32,299 --> 01:19:34,502 it just makes your feelings more extreme. 1143 01:19:38,172 --> 01:19:39,473 Michael... 1144 01:19:41,441 --> 01:19:43,477 He was just really strong. 1145 01:19:44,078 --> 01:19:45,280 How so? 1146 01:19:48,415 --> 01:19:51,085 Um, he listened. He was kind. 1147 01:19:53,486 --> 01:19:55,186 We used to do this thing 1148 01:19:55,188 --> 01:19:56,892 called the Magical Mystery Tour. 1149 01:19:57,691 --> 01:20:00,361 It sounds silly. But, um... 1150 01:20:01,294 --> 01:20:03,297 We would, uh, share a joint 1151 01:20:04,130 --> 01:20:06,901 and lay on top of each other fully clothed. 1152 01:20:08,436 --> 01:20:10,101 We would try to get as much 1153 01:20:10,103 --> 01:20:11,606 body-to-body contact as possible. 1154 01:20:12,373 --> 01:20:14,342 We'd have our hands out and... 1155 01:20:15,241 --> 01:20:17,913 We would just look straight into each other's eyes 1156 01:20:18,512 --> 01:20:20,479 and move them in unison, 1157 01:20:20,481 --> 01:20:22,613 like right, left, right, left. 1158 01:20:22,615 --> 01:20:25,453 And then we would breathe in rhythm. 1159 01:20:32,325 --> 01:20:33,627 You want me to do this? 1160 01:20:36,329 --> 01:20:39,033 No. I didn't mean that. 1161 01:20:40,468 --> 01:20:41,699 All right. 1162 01:20:41,701 --> 01:20:43,605 I mean, I... 1163 01:20:45,505 --> 01:20:47,739 Yeah. I mean, yeah. I guess I... 1164 01:20:47,741 --> 01:20:49,244 Yeah. I guess I did. 1165 01:20:50,076 --> 01:20:53,414 Okay. Uh, show me. 1166 01:20:53,780 --> 01:20:57,382 Well, you lay on your back, 1167 01:20:57,384 --> 01:20:59,420 and with your arms and your legs stretched out. 1168 01:21:00,187 --> 01:21:01,323 Do we need music? 1169 01:21:02,088 --> 01:21:03,958 No, we just listen to the breaths. 1170 01:21:05,125 --> 01:21:07,661 Just lie down? 1171 01:21:08,629 --> 01:21:11,266 Yeah. And then, yeah. 1172 01:25:25,718 --> 01:25:26,551 Go, go, go, go! Come on, come on, come on! 1173 01:25:26,553 --> 01:25:27,288 Come on, Benny. 1174 01:25:30,523 --> 01:25:31,325 Hey, guys. Let's all get seated 1175 01:25:32,360 --> 01:25:33,995 in the first pew right here. All the way down. 1176 01:25:38,865 --> 01:25:40,000 All right. Good job, guys. 1177 01:25:41,567 --> 01:25:43,404 Okay, so last week, we read The Patchwork Path 1178 01:25:43,637 --> 01:25:45,304 about the Underground Railroad, 1179 01:25:45,306 --> 01:25:48,739 which was not a railroad, but... Rosa? 1180 01:25:48,741 --> 01:25:50,509 It was a slave trail. 1181 01:25:50,511 --> 01:25:53,478 It was an escape route from the South to the North. 1182 01:25:53,480 --> 01:25:55,713 And this church, First Reformed, 1183 01:25:55,715 --> 01:25:58,582 was one of the stops on that route. Reverend Toller? 1184 01:25:58,584 --> 01:26:01,819 Yeah. Slaves, uh, fleeing north to Canada 1185 01:26:01,821 --> 01:26:05,724 were often helped, fed, hidden by homes and churches 1186 01:26:05,726 --> 01:26:07,958 along this route. Calvin Verlander 1187 01:26:07,960 --> 01:26:10,695 was the dominee, the minister here at First Reformed. 1188 01:26:10,697 --> 01:26:12,997 And he was very active in the Abolitionist Movement. 1189 01:26:12,999 --> 01:26:15,000 He assisted in... 1190 01:26:15,002 --> 01:26:16,803 No. Miss Suriya, let me try this. 1191 01:26:17,070 --> 01:26:18,869 Uh, why don't you all stand up for a second? 1192 01:26:18,871 --> 01:26:19,938 Take a look right here. 1193 01:26:19,940 --> 01:26:21,739 Do you see one part of wood that seems different 1194 01:26:21,741 --> 01:26:22,944 than the other part of the wood? 1195 01:26:23,544 --> 01:26:23,978 Yeah! 1196 01:26:24,844 --> 01:26:25,512 You all see that, don't you? 1197 01:26:26,280 --> 01:26:26,914 But does this seem a little bit 1198 01:26:27,813 --> 01:26:29,514 - like a secret door? Hmm? - Yes. 1199 01:26:29,516 --> 01:26:30,881 - Yeah. What's your name? - Benny. 1200 01:26:30,883 --> 01:26:32,516 Benny, will you give me a hand? 1201 01:26:32,518 --> 01:26:33,952 - Come on over here. - Mmm-hmm. 1202 01:26:33,954 --> 01:26:35,987 You see, there used to be a pew over this. 1203 01:26:35,989 --> 01:26:38,357 And they would move it, and then they would lift this up. 1204 01:26:38,359 --> 01:26:39,960 Can you do it? Help me. 1205 01:26:40,994 --> 01:26:43,127 Yes! Oh! 1206 01:26:43,129 --> 01:26:44,598 Come around everybody. 1207 01:26:45,432 --> 01:26:47,733 Slaves would hide in here. Sometimes whole families. 1208 01:26:47,735 --> 01:26:49,504 Be really careful. All right. 1209 01:26:49,937 --> 01:26:51,606 Can you imagine that? 1210 01:26:52,106 --> 01:26:55,543 In the dark. The air hot, 1211 01:26:56,442 --> 01:26:57,477 shaking with fear. 1212 01:26:58,712 --> 01:26:59,946 The sound of the slave hunter's horses outside. 1213 01:27:00,813 --> 01:27:02,980 On their knees, holding each other's hands, 1214 01:27:02,982 --> 01:27:04,752 praying for God to save them? 1215 01:27:10,790 --> 01:27:12,090 Do you want me to pack up 1216 01:27:12,092 --> 01:27:13,591 anything here in the kitchen? 1217 01:27:13,593 --> 01:27:15,962 No. I can get it later. Thanks. 1218 01:27:19,932 --> 01:27:22,069 I'd love to meet your sister sometime. 1219 01:27:24,004 --> 01:27:26,003 - You wanna come to Buffalo? - If I'm invited. I'd love to. 1220 01:27:26,005 --> 01:27:28,105 - You gonna visit me? - I would, yeah. 1221 01:27:28,107 --> 01:27:30,078 I'd love to meet Michael Jr. 1222 01:27:30,977 --> 01:27:32,879 You've been such a help to me. 1223 01:27:33,746 --> 01:27:35,479 My great-grandfather 1224 01:27:35,481 --> 01:27:37,482 was a pastor in Muskegon, Michigan. 1225 01:27:37,484 --> 01:27:39,083 The Saint of God. 1226 01:27:39,085 --> 01:27:41,752 And, uh, the bank in town was a two-story building, 1227 01:27:41,754 --> 01:27:43,123 the first building to have an elevator. 1228 01:27:43,856 --> 01:27:45,125 And one Monday, 1229 01:27:46,160 --> 01:27:48,793 Granddad, uh, got the boys all together 1230 01:27:48,795 --> 01:27:51,128 and they went into town to deposit church funds, 1231 01:27:51,130 --> 01:27:53,030 as they did every Monday. 1232 01:27:53,032 --> 01:27:54,966 And they needed to go talk to the managers. 1233 01:27:54,968 --> 01:27:56,501 They got on the elevator. 1234 01:27:56,503 --> 01:27:57,905 And he had a heart attack. 1235 01:27:59,205 --> 01:28:01,773 And he... He took off his hat. 1236 01:28:01,775 --> 01:28:03,041 Apparently he always wore a hat. 1237 01:28:03,043 --> 01:28:04,943 And he took off his hat and he said, 1238 01:28:04,945 --> 01:28:07,715 "Boys, take off my shoes. 1239 01:28:07,981 --> 01:28:09,951 "I'm standing on Holy Ground." 1240 01:28:10,984 --> 01:28:11,951 And then he died. 1241 01:28:13,719 --> 01:28:16,022 Somewhere between the first and second floor. 1242 01:28:18,558 --> 01:28:21,995 Um, I think about that story when I think about Michael. 1243 01:28:24,498 --> 01:28:25,930 'Cause I believe he was standing 1244 01:28:25,932 --> 01:28:27,801 on Holy Ground when he died. 1245 01:28:39,679 --> 01:28:40,847 Thank you. 1246 01:28:42,115 --> 01:28:43,951 So I'll see you in Buffalo? 1247 01:28:44,517 --> 01:28:47,120 I think I'm gonna go to the, uh, Reconsecration. 1248 01:28:48,187 --> 01:28:50,590 Oh. No, you... You don't need to do that. 1249 01:28:50,958 --> 01:28:53,161 - But, I... I want to. - Yeah, but it's not necessary. 1250 01:28:53,560 --> 01:28:54,993 Yeah, but you've been there for me, 1251 01:28:54,995 --> 01:28:56,494 and I want to be there for you. 1252 01:28:56,496 --> 01:28:58,128 It's very nice of you to offer, 1253 01:28:58,130 --> 01:29:00,064 um, but it's just a bunch of rich guys 1254 01:29:00,066 --> 01:29:01,867 patting each other on the back. 1255 01:29:01,869 --> 01:29:03,502 - But you're gonna be there. - But I have to be there. 1256 01:29:03,504 --> 01:29:05,740 - So I'm gonna go. - Please don't come. 1257 01:29:06,606 --> 01:29:09,709 Okay? I don't want you to come. You understand? 1258 01:29:12,111 --> 01:29:13,181 Okay. 1259 01:29:15,648 --> 01:29:17,752 Right. Have a nice evening. 1260 01:29:46,245 --> 01:29:49,249 "Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. 1261 01:29:50,651 --> 01:29:53,721 "Put on the full armor of God, 1262 01:29:54,021 --> 01:29:56,020 "so that you can take your stand 1263 01:29:56,022 --> 01:29:57,924 "against the devil's schemes. 1264 01:29:58,725 --> 01:30:01,728 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, 1265 01:30:03,730 --> 01:30:05,199 "but against the rulers, 1266 01:30:05,898 --> 01:30:07,802 "against the authorities, 1267 01:30:08,602 --> 01:30:11,839 "against the powers of this dark world." 1268 01:30:50,677 --> 01:30:52,277 Balq Home Products, 1269 01:30:52,279 --> 01:30:55,850 makers of paper goods, fertilizers, 1270 01:30:56,850 --> 01:30:59,783 everyday items for the household, 1271 01:30:59,785 --> 01:31:02,220 was among the first companies 1272 01:31:02,222 --> 01:31:07,061 to realize the need to address environmental concerns. 1273 01:31:07,393 --> 01:31:10,030 Sir? Are you joining us? 1274 01:31:10,998 --> 01:31:15,966 This unit makes recyclable plastic markers. 1275 01:31:15,968 --> 01:31:20,270 Balq has facilities or production arrangements 1276 01:31:20,272 --> 01:31:24,110 with 18 countries around the world. 1277 01:31:31,151 --> 01:31:34,255 Today, I stopped. I had Miso and fish. 1278 01:31:38,659 --> 01:31:40,594 Such simple pleasures. 1279 01:31:43,362 --> 01:31:45,231 Why do we deny ourselves? 1280 01:32:39,820 --> 01:32:43,857 Every act of preservation is an act of creation. 1281 01:32:44,223 --> 01:32:46,860 Everything preserved renews creation. 1282 01:32:47,960 --> 01:32:50,097 It's how we participate in creation. 1283 01:33:39,913 --> 01:33:42,183 I have found another form of prayer. 1284 01:34:02,268 --> 01:34:05,438 Reverend Toller. Come on in. Close the door. 1285 01:34:06,539 --> 01:34:08,908 Why don't you take a seat? 1286 01:34:12,212 --> 01:34:13,848 We're concerned about you. 1287 01:34:14,880 --> 01:34:15,950 Who is? 1288 01:34:16,215 --> 01:34:17,485 How's your health? 1289 01:34:19,518 --> 01:34:21,387 I'm having some tests. 1290 01:34:22,088 --> 01:34:24,221 Hmm? Have you got any results? 1291 01:34:24,223 --> 01:34:25,258 No. No. 1292 01:34:26,258 --> 01:34:28,158 What about your diet? 1293 01:34:28,160 --> 01:34:30,297 You know, I'm gonna be honest, you just don't look so good. 1294 01:34:31,597 --> 01:34:35,502 I've had some... Some stomach issues. 1295 01:34:37,469 --> 01:34:39,507 And I understand you've been drinking. 1296 01:34:41,173 --> 01:34:46,277 Hm. What? It's just a little wine with dinner. 1297 01:34:46,279 --> 01:34:47,947 - Wine? - Yeah. Yeah. 1298 01:34:49,249 --> 01:34:52,884 Well, that's not recommended 1299 01:34:52,886 --> 01:34:54,985 for someone who has stomach problems. 1300 01:34:54,987 --> 01:34:56,453 I understand, all right? 1301 01:34:56,455 --> 01:34:58,191 I'll... I'll start taking better care of myself. 1302 01:34:59,124 --> 01:35:01,559 You're always in the Garden. 1303 01:35:01,561 --> 01:35:05,128 Even Jesus wasn't always in the Garden, 1304 01:35:05,130 --> 01:35:07,101 on his knees, sweating blood. 1305 01:35:07,467 --> 01:35:09,136 He was on the Mount. 1306 01:35:09,369 --> 01:35:12,839 He was in the marketplace. He was in the temple. 1307 01:35:13,138 --> 01:35:16,109 But you, you're always in the Garden. 1308 01:35:16,343 --> 01:35:19,513 For you every hour is the Darkest Hour. 1309 01:35:20,112 --> 01:35:22,816 I wasn't aware that I had offended. 1310 01:35:23,583 --> 01:35:25,449 Jesus doesn't want our suffering. 1311 01:35:25,451 --> 01:35:27,353 - He suffered for us. - Mmm-mmm. 1312 01:35:27,620 --> 01:35:31,154 He wants our commitment and our obedience. 1313 01:35:31,156 --> 01:35:33,091 And what of His creation? 1314 01:35:33,093 --> 01:35:35,092 The Heavens declare the glory of God. 1315 01:35:35,094 --> 01:35:37,028 God is present everywhere, 1316 01:35:37,030 --> 01:35:40,665 in every plant, every river, every tiny insect. 1317 01:35:40,667 --> 01:35:42,199 The whole world is a manifestation 1318 01:35:42,201 --> 01:35:44,601 of His Holy presence. 1319 01:35:44,603 --> 01:35:46,270 I think this is an issue 1320 01:35:46,272 --> 01:35:48,273 where... Where the church can lead. 1321 01:35:48,275 --> 01:35:50,241 But... But they say nothing. 1322 01:35:50,243 --> 01:35:51,579 The... 1323 01:35:52,579 --> 01:35:55,349 The U.S. Congress still denies climate change? 1324 01:35:56,615 --> 01:35:59,185 Where were we when these people were elected? 1325 01:35:59,919 --> 01:36:01,286 The, the, the... 1326 01:36:01,288 --> 01:36:03,387 We know who spoke for big business. Right? 1327 01:36:03,389 --> 01:36:05,226 But who spoke for God? 1328 01:36:07,593 --> 01:36:11,028 "The creation waits in eager expectation 1329 01:36:11,030 --> 01:36:13,299 "of liberation from bondage." 1330 01:36:15,200 --> 01:36:18,004 That's Romans 8:23. You understand? 1331 01:36:19,239 --> 01:36:22,206 So, we should pollute so God can restore? 1332 01:36:22,208 --> 01:36:25,009 We should sin so God can forgive? 1333 01:36:25,011 --> 01:36:27,311 I don't think that's what the Apostle meant. 1334 01:36:27,313 --> 01:36:28,979 I think we're supposed to look 1335 01:36:28,981 --> 01:36:31,582 with the eyes of Jesus into every living... 1336 01:36:31,584 --> 01:36:33,650 You don't live in the real world. 1337 01:36:33,652 --> 01:36:36,520 You don't. You, you are a minister 1338 01:36:36,522 --> 01:36:38,389 at a tourist church that no one attends. 1339 01:36:38,391 --> 01:36:41,693 Do you have any idea what it takes to do God's work? 1340 01:36:41,695 --> 01:36:42,897 I'm trying to... 1341 01:36:43,830 --> 01:36:46,096 To, to maintain a mission of this size? 1342 01:36:46,098 --> 01:36:48,666 The staffing, the outreach, 1343 01:36:48,668 --> 01:36:51,105 the amount of people that we touch each day. 1344 01:36:51,370 --> 01:36:54,307 Who's that priest that you like so much? 1345 01:36:55,307 --> 01:36:57,274 - Thomas Merton? - Thomas Merton. He didn't live 1346 01:36:57,276 --> 01:36:59,010 - in the real world either! - Yes, he did! He would... 1347 01:36:59,012 --> 01:37:01,011 No. He was a monk who lived 1348 01:37:01,013 --> 01:37:03,348 in a monastery in Kentucky and wrote books! 1349 01:37:03,350 --> 01:37:05,582 Well, somebody has to do something! 1350 01:37:05,584 --> 01:37:07,652 It's the Earth that hangs in the balance. 1351 01:37:07,654 --> 01:37:11,088 Well what if this is His plan? What if we just can't see it? 1352 01:37:11,090 --> 01:37:13,457 You think God wants to destroy his creation? 1353 01:37:13,459 --> 01:37:15,261 He did once. 1354 01:37:15,628 --> 01:37:18,132 For 40 days and 40 nights. 1355 01:37:25,605 --> 01:37:29,573 Look, Abundant Life, we're with you. 1356 01:37:29,575 --> 01:37:31,775 Okay? We care. 1357 01:37:31,777 --> 01:37:35,449 We do. And I know, this is a hard time for you. 1358 01:37:36,182 --> 01:37:38,319 But we're gonna help you with that. 1359 01:37:39,185 --> 01:37:41,752 Once we get through the reconsecration service, 1360 01:37:41,754 --> 01:37:43,958 you, you need to go to rehab. 1361 01:37:44,356 --> 01:37:47,327 You need to go check yourself into a medical institution. 1362 01:37:48,194 --> 01:37:50,627 All right? Maybe go to Nicaragua 1363 01:37:50,629 --> 01:37:53,264 and preach the gospel or build houses. 1364 01:37:53,266 --> 01:37:56,003 But do something in the real world. 1365 01:37:56,201 --> 01:37:58,135 And if you can't do the ceremony, 1366 01:37:58,137 --> 01:37:59,503 I'll understand that. 1367 01:37:59,505 --> 01:38:01,271 You're expected to be there, but look. 1368 01:38:01,273 --> 01:38:03,041 We can just say that you were sick, which is true. 1369 01:38:03,043 --> 01:38:04,178 No. No. It's not... 1370 01:38:05,411 --> 01:38:07,211 It's not about the ceremony. All right? I can... I will... 1371 01:38:07,213 --> 01:38:09,079 I... I want to be there. I have to be there. 1372 01:38:09,081 --> 01:38:11,416 It's my church. It's 250 years. 1373 01:38:11,418 --> 01:38:14,355 I want to be there. I want to introduce you. Please? 1374 01:38:16,556 --> 01:38:19,290 Well, Ed Balq has decided 1375 01:38:19,292 --> 01:38:21,091 that he would like to make comments, 1376 01:38:21,093 --> 01:38:22,827 so the Governor will introduce him. 1377 01:38:22,829 --> 01:38:24,295 Will that be a problem? 1378 01:38:24,297 --> 01:38:27,067 Not at all. Not at all. 1379 01:38:27,667 --> 01:38:29,636 Well good. Good. 1380 01:38:31,204 --> 01:38:33,770 Listen. We'll get through this reconsecration. 1381 01:38:33,772 --> 01:38:35,476 It'll be special. 1382 01:38:35,842 --> 01:38:38,512 And then we'll deal with these other issues. 1383 01:38:44,284 --> 01:38:45,419 Thank you. 1384 01:39:41,773 --> 01:39:42,776 Thanks. 1385 01:42:41,954 --> 01:42:43,753 Where is, um... Where is Reverend Toller? 1386 01:42:43,755 --> 01:42:45,491 I'm not sure, ma'am. Inside. 1387 01:44:12,044 --> 01:44:14,014 - Have you seen him? - No. 1388 01:44:26,892 --> 01:44:28,462 - Where is he? - I don't know. 1389 01:44:41,507 --> 01:44:42,875 Toller! 1390 01:44:44,910 --> 01:44:47,711 Toller! You in there? 1391 01:45:13,472 --> 01:45:14,807 Begin the service. 1392 01:45:44,603 --> 01:45:47,003 What a fellowship 1393 01:45:47,005 --> 01:45:51,210 What a joy divine 1394 01:45:51,643 --> 01:45:54,577 Leaning on 1395 01:45:54,579 --> 01:45:59,218 The everlasting arms 1396 01:45:59,651 --> 01:46:03,589 What a blessedness 1397 01:46:03,822 --> 01:46:08,058 What a peace is mine 1398 01:46:08,060 --> 01:46:11,060 Leaning on 1399 01:46:11,062 --> 01:46:15,935 The everlasting arms 1400 01:46:16,134 --> 01:46:19,869 Leaning 1401 01:46:19,871 --> 01:46:23,109 Leaning 1402 01:46:23,676 --> 01:46:26,844 Safe and secure 1403 01:46:26,846 --> 01:46:31,250 From all alarms 1404 01:46:31,784 --> 01:46:35,021 Leaning 1405 01:46:35,620 --> 01:46:39,189 Leaning 1406 01:46:39,191 --> 01:46:42,126 Leaning on 1407 01:46:42,128 --> 01:46:46,866 The everlasting arms 1408 01:46:47,232 --> 01:46:51,203 Oh, how sweet to walk 1409 01:46:51,704 --> 01:46:55,706 In this pilgrim way 1410 01:46:55,708 --> 01:46:58,908 Leaning on 1411 01:46:58,910 --> 01:47:03,616 The everlasting arms 1412 01:47:03,883 --> 01:47:07,952 Oh, how bright the path 1413 01:47:07,954 --> 01:47:12,122 Grows from day to day 1414 01:47:12,124 --> 01:47:15,125 Leaning on 1415 01:47:15,127 --> 01:47:19,766 The everlasting arms 1416 01:47:20,098 --> 01:47:23,736 Leaning 1417 01:47:23,936 --> 01:47:27,307 Leaning 1418 01:47:27,807 --> 01:47:30,707 Safe and secure 1419 01:47:30,709 --> 01:47:35,581 From all alarms 1420 01:47:35,815 --> 01:47:39,716 Leaning 1421 01:47:39,718 --> 01:47:43,319 Leaning 1422 01:47:43,321 --> 01:47:46,256 Leaning on 1423 01:47:46,258 --> 01:47:50,964 The everlasting arms 1424 01:47:51,364 --> 01:47:55,399 What have I to dread 1425 01:47:55,401 --> 01:47:59,172 What have I to fear 1426 01:47:59,739 --> 01:48:02,342 Leaning on 1427 01:48:03,142 --> 01:48:04,241 Ernst? 1428 01:48:04,243 --> 01:48:07,144 The everlasting arms 1429 01:48:07,146 --> 01:48:11,015 I have blessed peace 1430 01:48:11,017 --> 01:48:14,854 With my Lord so near 1431 01:48:15,053 --> 01:48:18,055 Leaning on 1432 01:48:18,057 --> 01:48:22,295 The everlasting arms 1433 01:48:23,029 --> 01:48:26,729 Leaning 1434 01:48:26,731 --> 01:48:29,902 Leaning 1435 01:48:30,236 --> 01:48:33,403 Safe and secure 1436 01:48:33,405 --> 01:48:38,175 From all alarms 1437 01:48:38,177 --> 01:48:41,944 Leaning 1438 01:48:41,946 --> 01:48:45,217 Leaning 1439 01:48:45,450 --> 01:48:48,452 Leaning on 1440 01:48:48,454 --> 01:48:53,125 The everlasting arms 1441 01:48:53,325 --> 01:48:56,830 Leaning 1442 01:48:57,163 --> 01:49:00,700 Leaning 1443 01:49:00,965 --> 01:49:03,900 Leaning on 1444 01:49:03,902 --> 01:49:08,307 The everlasting arms 1445 01:49:08,773 --> 01:49:12,178 Leaning